The NL East Will Suck Big Goat Dick In 2016, Bro

sad phillies phanatic

by Rakesh the Intern

I’ll tell you something, bro. Some of these teams have bigger problems than Uncle Kunal, and we once caught that guy fucking goat at family reunion.

It’s that time of year again, my friend, when you turn on the TV and hear something other than NFL player committing rape.

Now we hear the cracks of bats at spring training and watch fat pigs in stands who have travelled from north to either Florida or Arizona to cheer on their beloved baseball teams, bro. And so far this year, it look as though even Phillies and Braves fans have made trip to watch their teams despite fact that both of them will be absolute shit from pig once real games begin.

Seriously, bro. I get most of the guys on these rosters confused with the guys who bag my groceries at local supermarket.

Here is how I see rest of division playing out in 2016. Get your Rupees ready to bet, bro…

1. Washington Nationals

National Spring Training

Check it out, bro. These Nationals players last year hated this Matt Williams as their manager almost as much as I hated Uncle Tushar, and that dude used to shove his pointer finger up his asshole for something like two minute and then he would walk by me, put that finger in my ear, and then call me shithead. Dusty Baker will be nice replacement until the Nats get to postseason and collapse like new girl in porn who sees Lexington Steele’s dick for first time, bro.

Best pitching in this division belongs to Mets, but I do like fact that this Strasburg is in contract year. He seems like kind of guy who will win 20 games when money is on line, sign big contract and then go back to being pure pig shit, my friend. However, this lineup with healthy Rendon, Werth, and Zimmerman along with additions of Murphy and Revere to go along with whoever this “Royce” Harper dude is should be more potent than Cousin Deepak, and that dude has something like eight or nine kids and he’s just 27, bro…

2015 record: 83-79 (2nd)

2016 Projections

Daily Upper Decker: 95-67 (1st)

Bovada: 89.5 wins (t-1st)

Atlantis: 87 wins (2nd)

Fangraphs: 88-74 (2nd)

Bleacher Report: 85-77 (2nd)

2. New York Mets

cespedes horse

Listen, bro. No other pitching staff in baseball will give you boner like this one, my friend. But let’s remember that these are the Mets we are talking about, bro. Every time in last 20 years when you expect something from this team, they break your heart like my ex-girlfrend Akansh. Thought it was love, bro. Then turns out she was biggest slut in Howrah. Even Cousin Gokul got piece of that shit, and he was born with baby left arm. Sick shit, bro.

Mets will still win plenty of game, so no need to put pistol in mouth if you are Mets fan, bro. Race between Mets and Nationals for NL East supremacy should be tighter than Uncle Kartik’s wife, and I think she turns 12 this year. I think Nationals pull it out, but I think worst-case scenario for this team is that they play in Wild Card game…

2015 record: 90-72 (1st)

2016 Projections

Daily Upper Decker: 94-68 (2nd)

Bovada: 89.5 wins (t-1st)

Atlantis: 88 wins (1st)

Fangraphs: 89-73 (1st)

Bleacher Report: 92-70 (1st)

3. Miami Marlins

Marlins-Man-Jaguars-Pool

I’m telling you, bro. Some of the names on this roster will make you think the Marlins have a shot this year: Stanton, Gordon, Yelich, Fernandez, Ozuna, and Chen just to name a few, my friend. But then you see names like Bour, Realmuto, Hechavarria, Koehler, and Jackson, and you’re like, “Bro, does this team play in majors or minors?”

Front office has stockpiled load of talent bigger than Peter North cumshot but at same time have brought in Don Mattingly to manage them. Seriously, bro. So I have no choice but to say they will finish with .500 record. Half good, half goat shit. In fact, this team remind me of Cousin Pawan. He has thick black hair, big muscles in arms and chest, voice that girlies wreck underwear when they hear, and most people think he look like Indian Billy Zane. So you would think that he would clean house with girlies, right bro? Well, turns out Pawan was born without penis, my friend. Sad shit, bro…

2015 record: 71-91 (3rd)

2016 Projections

Daily Upper Decker: 81-81 (3rd)

Bovada: 79.5 wins (3rd)

Atlantis: 80.5 wins (3rd)

Fangraphs: 81-81 (2nd)

Bleacher Report: 81-81 (3rd)

4. Atlanta Braves

Atlanta Braves' fans wears papers bags which reads

Check it out, bro. The last time two teams in the same division each lost 100 or more games in the same season was in 2002 when both the Royals and Tigers were both shit from pig. Same thing will happen this year in NL East with Braves and Phillies, bro. A quick look at list of Braves players, and I’m not sure whether this is Major League roster or team of U-17 soccer players in Argentina, bro. Either way, I think I am being generous giving this team 62 wins, bro.

The Braves will be good team in 2019, my friend. The problem is that it is 2016, bro…

2015 record: 67-95 (4th)

2016 Projections

Daily Upper Decker: 62-100 (4th)

Bovada: 66.5 wins (4th)

Atlantis: 65 wins (5th)

Fangraphs: 68-94 (4th)

Bleacher Report: 65-97 (5th)

5. Philadelphia Phillies

sexy-philadelphia-phillies-fan-11

Look, bro. Take a look at this sexy American girlie wearing a Phillies jersey with part of it open so you can see her fabulous titties, bro. In fact, take a second look, bro, because this is only thing that is not shit from pig that you will see from Phillies this year…

2015 record: 63-99 (5th)

2016 Projections

Daily Upper Decker: 60-102 (5th)

Bovada: 65.5 wins (5th)

Atlantis: 66.5 wins (4th)

Fangraphs: 65-97 (5th)

Bleacher Report: 68-94 (4th)

Wait, there’s more: 2016 MLB Win Totals Are Out, Bro

You have got to see this shit:

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