2016 NL West Preview

zack greinke dbacks

by Rakesh the Intern

Our apologies to Dodgers fans, bro, as we’re going to write this preview in English, my friend.

It’s that time of year again, my friend, when you turn on TV and hear something other than athlete committing rape. Now we hear cracks of bats and sound of beer bottles getting smashed over heads of opposing teams’ fans in Dodger Stadium parking lot, bro. We also hear chatter from Giants fans that this is even year so World Series title is more of sure thing than Jennifer Love Hewitt. And it sounds like these Dbacks might not suck shit this year, bro.

Here is what I’m thinking for the NL West this year, bro:

1. Arizona Diamondbacks

dbacks hot fan

Check it out, bro. You might think Rakesh is crazier than Uncle Soham, and that dude once ripped penis off of live goat and fed it to his kids (sick shit, bro), but this Diamondbacks offense is more stacked than Kate Upton, my friend. Led by this He-Man fucker named Paul Goldschmidt, Arizona put up second-most runs in National League last year, bro.

Arizona put up 79 wins last year with shit from pig pitching staff and then went out and picked up this Zack Greinke and Shelby Miller. If you don’t think that will add up to at least 11 more wins this year, then you might be more fucked up than Uncle Kunal, and we once caught that dude fucking a goat at family reunion…

2015 record: 79-83 (3rd)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 90-72 (1st)

Bovada: 82.5 wins (3rd)

Atlantis: 84.5 wins (3rd)

Fangraphs: 80-82 (3rd)

Bleacher Report: 84-78 (t-2nd)

2. San Francisco Giants

giants fan

Listen, bro. Giants being competitive in even year is almost as much of a given as person jumping off Golden Gate Bridge this week, bro. I like additions of this Cueto and Smardjisheialskzjafkzija to go along with most clutch pitcher in the division, and I also like how Bumgarner and players like this Hunter Pence have decided to grow beards that make them look like 32 percent of city’s population that is homeless, my friend.

Good pitching plus good hitting means team will have good year, my friend, but picking them to win division seems almost as obvious as Grandpa Sahir meeting his maker this year. Dude is like 104, bro. You have to think so many silly American bettors will be thinking San Francisco will win division that thugs in Vegas will step in and make sure they don’t, my friend…

2o15 record: 84-78 (2nd)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 89-73 (2nd)

Bovada: 89.5 wins (1st)

Atlantis: 90-72 (1st)

Fangraphs: 88-74 (2nd)

Bleacher Report: 91-71 (1st)

3. Los Angeles Dodgers


I’ll tell you something, bro. This Dodgers team is hurting more than Cousin Manoj, and that dude was once crushed by runaway elephant in Howrah. Sad shit, bro. Things are so fucked up that MLB.com actually has Alex Wood listed as #1 pitcher ahead of Clayton Kershaw, my friend:

Screen Shot 2016-03-28 at 12.05.53 AM

You might also notice that this team pretty much has more injuries than players right now, bro. Personally, I think I am being generosity or whatever you call it in this country by saying Dodgers will finish above this .500 mark. This Vin Scully might want to think about coming back in 2017 too, bro…

2015 record: 92-70 (1st)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 85-77 (3rd)

Bovada: 88.5 wins (2nd)

Atlantis: 87-75 (2nd)

Fangraphs: 92-70 (1st)

Bleacher Report: 84-78 (t-2nd)

4. San Diego Padres

padres friar

I’m going to be honest, bro. I did not even know this city still had professional team. But after looking at roster, this team might win a few games here and there with some fairly decent starting pitching. And then odds are when they do, they will trade away all those good players for what they say are prospects. But in reality, all they are more players who will eventually be traded, bro…

2015 record: 74-88 (4th)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 75-87 (4th)

Bovada: 73.5 wins (4th)

Atlantis: 74-88 (4th)

Fangraphs: 74-88 (t-4th)

Bleacher Report: 66-96 (4th)

5. Colorado Rockies (5th)

rockies fan weed

Look, bro. This offense is more potent than Cousin Deepak, and that dude has something like 8 or 9 kids already and he’s only like 27. But this pitching staff remind me of Aunt Nishi, and she’s dead, bro. But since Broncos just won Super Bowl and this marijuana is legal in Colorado, odds are Rockies fans won’t care too much that team will once again suck shit, bro…

2015 record: 68-94 (5th)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 74-88 (5th)

Bovada: 70.5 wins (5th)

Atlantis: 68.5 wins (5th)

Fangraphs: 74-88 (t-4th)

Bleacher Report: 62-100 (5th)

Wait, there’s more: 2016 NL Central Preview

You have got to see this shit:

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