2016 NL Central Preview
by Rakesh the Intern
In this division, it looks as though we have Cubs, Cardinals, Pirates and then two shit from pig teams that should do fans favor and forfeit season, bro.
It’s that time of year again, my friend, when you turn on the TV and hear something other than athlete committing rape. Now we hear cracks of bats and fat Brewers fans cheering when minor league player hits ball over fence. We also hear chatter from Cubs fans that team will win World Series for first time in like thousand years, bro. Pirates fans are praying out loud to win game that matters. Good shit, bro.
Here is what I am thinking for the NL Central this year, bro:
1. Chicago Cubs
Cousin Gokul tell me this story about time when mad old man put curse on this team for not letting him bring goat into game and the team has been mostly shit from pig ever since. Well, last year should have been pretty good signal that things are looking up for this Cubs team, my friend.
For starter, this offense crush balls over fence more than Cousin Deepak crush the poon back in Howrah. Dude already has something like 8 or 12 kids and he’s only 27, bro. Opposing pitchers should be more fearful of this lineup than almost any other in the game, bro. Having to face guys like Bryant, Schwarber, Heyward, Rizzo and Zobrist is a lot like hearing this Melissa McCarthy wants you to lay down so she can sit on your face: You don’t want to do it, bro.
Cubs should win division, but don’t expect as many wins as last year. This pitching staff is a lot like naked picture of Aunt Tanvi: It does nothing for me, bro. In order for Cubs to win 97 games last year, this Arrieta fellow had to have historical run in second half of season. Asking him to repeat that is like asking me to find member of my family without pubic hair: Tough to do, bro…
2015 record: 97-65 (3rd)
Daily Upper Decker: 92-70 (1st)
Bovada: 92.5 wins (1st)
Atlantis: 89-73 (1st)
Fangraphs: 96-66 (1st)
Bleacher Report: 101-61 (1st)
2. Pittsburgh Pirates
Let me tell you something, bro. I really like this outfield that this Pirates team has put together, as Marte, McCutchen and Polanco are probably the best trio you will find in game. The problem is that the rest of this team is about as sexy as this Hillary Clinton, bro. I mean, John Jaso at first base, bro? Is that supposed to get Rakesh hard boner or whatever you call it in this country? I think not, bro.
I like 1-2 combo of Liriano and Cole, but these other three pitchers pretty much suck dick, bro. Still, the core of players on this team has been there, done that, so don’t expect this Pirates team to take too far of step back this year. 2nd place in this division is no slouch, bro…
2015 record: 98-64 (2nd)
Daily Upper Decker: 89-73 (2nd)
Bovada: 86.5 wins (3rd)
Atlantis: 87-75 (3rd)
Fangraphs: 83-79 (3rd)
Bleacher Report: 87-75 (3rd)
3. St. Louis Cardinals
Listen, bro. Average age of players on this team is something like 74, bro. Holliday, Wainwright and Molina are all coming off major injury, my friend, and these guys are going to have to stay healthy if this Cardinals team is going to contend for title this year. Unless they are getting drugs that work as well as the ones that Grandpa Mahesh uses for penis, I don’t think that happens. Plus, this starting shortstop Jhonny Peralta spells name like asshole and now he’s hurt, bro.
The good news for Cardinals fans is that pitcher John Lackey is now on Cubs, so now Cardinals hitters like Grichuk and Piscotty get to hit home runs off him. Healthy Wainwright can still be one of best in league and along with guys like Wacha and Martinez, this Cardinals team still could contend. I just wouldn’t count on it, bro…
2015 record: 100-62 (1st)
Daily Upper Decker: 85-77 (3rd)
Bovada: 87.5 wins (2nd)
Atlantis: 87.5 wins (2nd)
Fangraphs: 85-77 (2nd)
Bleacher Report: 92-70 (2nd)
4. Cincinnati Reds
My boss showed me this video that he says perfectly sums up Reds outfielder Billy Hamilton:
Look, bro. You got guys on this team like Joey Votto who thinks team is paying him billion dollars to take walk instead of hit ball out of park. Fucking moron, bro. He remind me of Cousin Manoj, who thought he was so cool that he didn’t have to look left before crossing street in Howrah. Then one day, he get crushed by runaway elephant. Sad shit, bro.
Boss give me another clip that he said perfectly sums up Reds pitching staff this year, and said readers would understand why I do not need to write anything else about them, bro:
2015 record: 64-98 (5th)
Daily Upper Decker: 69-93 (4th)
Bovada: 70.5 wins (4th)
Atlantis: 71-91 (5th)
Fangraphs: 71-91 (t-4th)
Bleacher Report: 64-98 (5th)
5. Milwaukee Brewers
Check it out, bro. New GM for Brewers was really good in Houston at putting team together that could lose 100 games so team could get best draft pick. Based on depth chart I am looking at, I say he is doing really good job, bro.
This Ryan Braun fellow is finding out hard way that hangnails don’t heal as fast and balls don’t travel over fence as much without using illegal drugs. Best thing Brewers fans can hope for is that he gets off to hot start without ending up on disabled list from getting sand in his vagina, and then team is able to trade him away for a Mike Trout used condom, bro.
As for pitching, we looked at depth chart and couldn’t find any, bro…
2015 record: 68-94 (4th)
Daily Upper Decker: 62-100 (5th)
Bovada: 69.5 wins (5th)
Atlantis: 71.5 wins (4th)
Fangraphs: 71-91 (t-4th)
Bleacher Report: 65-97 (4th)
Wait, there’s more, bro: The NL East Will Suck Big Goat Dick In 2016, Bro
You have got to see this shit, bro:
— Carrie Muskat (@CarrieMuskat) March 22, 2016