2016 AL East Preview, Bro

chris archer hair

by Rakesh the Intern

I’ll tell you something, bro. This division is going to be closer than Uncle Akash was to Cousin Naveen, and Akash is now in prison as sex offender, my friend.

It’s that time of year again, bro, when you turn on TV and hear something other than athlete committing rape. Now we hear cracks of bats. Oh wait, bro. Those were actually the backs of old men who play for Yankees cracking, my friend. We hear Red Sox fans trying to speak English language properly. We hear Orioles fans talking about baseball instead of their city’s high crime rates and incurable gonorrhea, bro.

The AL East will be fight of dogs or whatever you call it in this country. The team I pick for first could be the one who finishes last, bro, but here is what I am thinking will happen, my friend:

1. New York Yankees


Listen, bro. I understand that these guys are almost as old as Grandpa Sahir, and that dude once fingered Gandhi’s wife. Sick shit, bro. But despite half of team being so old they get free cup of coffee at Denny’s with their Moon Over Hammy, they still score second-most runs in all of baseball last year. You know this Rodriguez fuck will inject himself with horse semen or whatever it take to reach 700 home runs, and I think this is year that first baseman Mark Teixeira does not get sand in vagina and plays full season.

Not sure if I am on board with a sober CC Sabathia, bro. I mean, what would have happen if they would have taken booze away from Mantle? It’s like Cousin Varun, bro. He can hit anywhere he want on dart board when he is twelve Heineken deep. But he holds dart by wrong end when he’s sober. Sad shit, bro. You don’t want that kind of guy on your team. Believe me, bro…

2015 record: 87-75 (2nd)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 90-72 (1st)

Bovada: 85.5 wins (3rd)

Atlantis: 85-77 (3rd)

Fangraphs: 82-80 (3rd)

Bleacher Report: 83-79 (3rd)

2. Boston Red Sox


Check it out, bro. This is picture of white Pablo Sandoval. The real Sandoval remind me of Uncle Rishabh, and that dude is almost 400-pounder now, bro. Can’t lay off the carbs, bro.

Anyway, I think that Red Sox team will rally around this Big Papi on his farewell tour and make postseason push when it matters in September. But when they come face to face with opposing team in playoffs, their pitching staff is just too shit from pig to compete. It will be like Uncle Rishabh looking at flight of stairs in front of him. Not going to happen, bro.

Keep an eye on this Mookie Betts fucker, though. Rakesh is liking what he sees there, I will tell you, bro…

2015 record: 78-84 (5th)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 88-74 (2nd)

Bovada: 86.5 wins (2nd)

Atlantis: 85.5 wins (2nd)

Fangraphs: 88-74 (1st)

Bleacher Report: 86-76 (2nd)

3. Toronto Blue Jays

Division Series - Texas Rangers v Toronto Blue Jays - Game Five

Let me tell you something, bro. This offense is more potent than Cousin Deepak, and that dude have something like 8 or 9 kids already and he’s only something like 27. But let me tell you something else, bro. Their pitching is about as potent as Uncle Raju’s cock, and he’s dead, bro. Barring midseason trade for someone like this David Price like they did last year, this Blue Jays team will have to score almost seven runs per game to win this division. And I’ll tell you, bro. That could easily happen, my friend…

2015 record: 93-69 (1st)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 86-76 (3rd)

Bovada: 87.5 wins (1st)

Atlantis: 87-75 (1st)

Fangraphs: 84-78 (2nd)

Bleacher Report: 93-69 (1st)

4. Tampa Bay Rays


This Rays pitching staff gives Rakesh almost as big of boner as this girlie’s titties do, bro. I mean, look at this staff, my friend: Archer, Smyly, Odorizzi, Moore and eventually Snell. Now let’s take a look at these guys on offense: Nobody, bro. And that’s why this Rays team has almost as good of shot at winning this division as I do of sticking penis inside this girlie in the picture…

2015 record: 80-82 (4th)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 82-80 (4th)

Bovada: 81.5 wins (4th)

Atlantis: 78-84 (5th)

Fangraphs: 81-81 (4th)

Bleacher Report: 81-81 (4th)

5. Baltimore Orioles


Check it out, bro. I’m going to keep this one really simple. It’s tough to find a better manager in the division than Buck Showalter, my friend. This much is very true.

But it’s pretty easy to find more talent, bro. This pitching staff, for example, remind me of Cousin Gokul’s left arm, and that dude was born with a baby left arm. Sad shit, bro. Terrible at billiards and can’t get the poon because all of the girlies are so disgusted by it, bro…

2015 record: 81-81 (3rd)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 80-82 (5th)

Bovada: 79.5 wins (5th)

Atlantis: 80.5 wins (4th)

Fangraphs: 79-83 (5th)

Bleacher Report: 75-87 (5th)

Wait, there’s more, bro: 2016 NL West Preview

You have got to see this shit, bro:

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