Three Final Thoughts On Super Bowl 50

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by Frank Rhombus

Let’s be honest: If you had to compare Sunday night’s big game to accidental nudity, Super Bowl 50 was the equivalent to seeing your great-grandma’s tits.

With six turnovers, five field goal attempts, just 509 total yards of offense from both teams, and a “performance” from Coldplay, Super Bowl 50 will in time go down as one of the biggest goddamn wastes of time in the history of television, probably somewhere between Homeboys From Outer Space and Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.

Here are three final thoughts on the shitdickery that took place at Levi’s Stadium last night:

3. Coldplay fucking blows.

And there is no wiggle room here, folks. There is no other way to explain why Coldplay was selected to perform at halftime of the biggest sporting event in history other than that lead singer/douche Chris Martin must have accidentally walked in on Roger Goodell getting buttfucked by Shahid Khan at the ESPYs last summer. Even the rest of the league office knew they were going suck balls, so much so that they decided to book two previous performers to make sure people wouldn’t hit mute on their televisions.

Seriously, the NFL would have been better off booking Joe Montana’s left nut to just sit there on stage for 15 minutes. At least then they could have said that they booked talent…

2. How does Mike Carey still have a job at CBS?

The former NFL official only has one job during football games on CBS and that’s to break down all challenges to determine whether or not the calls on the field will be overturned or upheld. Yet we couldn’t tell you the last time this fucktard got a call right. Carey got his first chance to show the world just how goddamn retarded he is early in the game when Jericho Cotchery bobbled and eventually dropped a perfect pass from Cam Newton and Riverboat Ron Rivera decided to throw the challenge flag. The call on the field was an incomplete pass, and then it was Carey Time:

Mike Carey: “I think this is a good challenge by Carolina. The receiver goes up, he’s going the ground. So he must maintain control of the ball, which he does. If I was in the booth, I would reverse this to a catch. The ball never hits the ground. Even though there’s a bobble inside, maintains good control, up off the ground. He rolls over, keeps it off the ground at the end.”

Of course since Carey thought it was a catch, it obviously wasn’t, and the call of incomplete pass on the field was upheld.

That was the last we heard from Mike Carey last night despite the fact that Rivera challenged another call early in the second quarter. Even Stevie Wonder saw that replays showed Peyton Manning was touched by a Carolina defender while falling to the ground, but CBS kept Carey’s mic silent, probably out of fear that he’d find some way to fuck that one up, too.

And just think, that guy was once in charge of an entire officiating crew…

1. The Carolina Panthers must have gotten royally shithoused Saturday night.

It wasn’t just Cam Newton who looked like he had thrown back 18 cans of PBR the night before the biggest game of his life.

Half of the Panthers team made it look like the game was being played in Miami instead of Santa Clara. One of them was Greg Olsen, who looked more like Jim Tomsula than an All-Pro. You know the look. It was as if somebody had showered him with a bucket of Gatorade before the game even started. I was in the Bay Area when the game started, and it was right around 70 cool degrees before Graham Gano dicked me by not kicking the ball out of the back of the end zone. Yet by looking at Olsen, you would have thought it was more like 120.

Mike Tolbert was fucking garbage, Jericho Cotchery couldn’t catch shit, and Ted Ginn really threw it in the asses of Panthers fans when he failed to haul in a perfect ball from Newton in the red zone in the fourth quarter, one that eventually found its way into the hands of T.J. Ward.

It can’t be proven unless you were there to see it, but it’s likely the entire Panthers offense had their faces full of some Gold Club titties and stomachs full of booze and suds well past curfew. Almost as likely as Mike Carey needing to update his resume later this week…

Wait, there’s more: Somebody Threw A Big Fake Dick At A Politician In New Zealand

You have got to see this shit:

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