Here Are A Few Super Bowl Prop Bets You Probably Won’t See And That’s A Damn Shame

lady gaga national anthem

by Frank Rhombus

More than $4.2 billion worth of bets will be placed on Super Bowl 50 this Sunday, and just like fisting a hooker to death and then throwing her corpse into Lake Michigan, most of them will be illegal.

Will Peyton Manning attempt 36 passes? Will Mike Tolbert’s fat ass score the game’s first touchdown? Will Emmanuel Sanders catch 5 1/2 balls?

There are literally hundreds of prop bets you can lay your kid’s college fund down on in Super Bowl 50, but we couldn’t find any that involved Lady Gaga finger banging herself during the national anthem. Thus, we were forced to come up with this short list of Super Bowl prop bets that you should be able to bet on but probably won’t find anybody offering them up.

Which is more likely to happen, Peyton Manning throws 50 passes or Lady Gaga finger blasts herself during the national anthem?

According to the thugs in Vegas, Manning and the Broncos are going to be trailing for the majority of the game, and odds are they aren’t going to count on some fuckshow like C.J. Anderson to bring them back. Manning threw the ball 49 times in Super Bowl 48 when the Broncos fell behind against the Seahawks, so 50 pass attempts is totally out of the realm of possibility even though he’s older than shit.

On the other hand, Lady Gaga seems like the kind of woman who would eat a fetus and call it art. I mean, she’s wearing dozens of fucking Kermits in the photo above, for Christ’s sake. Who does that? The kind of girl who would shove her fingers up her hump hole while singing “The Star-Spangled Banner.” That’s who…

Best Bet: Lady Gaga finger fucking herself.

Which is more likely to happen, Cam Newton breaks the Super Bowl record for most rushing yards by a quarterback or Coldplay drops an F-bomb during their halftime performance?

The Super Bowl record for rushing yards by a QB is 64, set by Steve McNair in a losing effort in Super Bowl 34. McNair is dead now, thanks to one of those “cheating on your wife with a batshit crazy broad who winds up taking you out in a hail of gunfire” episodes, but Cam Newton’s legs sure as shit aren’t. Still, odds are one of Denver’s athletic linebackers will spy him the entire game and keep him under 64 yards. Hell, we don’t think Newton will get more than the 37 1/2 yards Vegas has him at.

Plus, Coldplay is a dog shit band made up of Brits who could give two shits about the game of American football. I mean, maybe if David Beckham was conducting the coin toss or they were promised a Kate Winslet beej if they behaved themselves, then maybe I would say go with Newton breaking the record. But our money is on Chris Martin telling the city of San Francisco to go fuck themselves over their handling of the homeless, singing “Yellow,” and then rushing back to the Holiday Inn Express to watch the latest episode of Downton Abbey

Best Bet: Coldplay drops at least one F-bomb.

Which will happen first, Cam Newton rushes for five Super Bowl touchdowns in his career or Brendan Dassey from Making a Murderer is freed from prison?

Yeah, I don’t know on this one. Plus, I need to go now because I have a homework project due by sixth period.

Look, getting to the Super Bowl is pretty hard. I mean, ask anybody who has ever played for the Lions. So, how many Super Bowls will Cam Newton even get a chance to rush for a tuddy in?

Plus, this group behind getting Dassey a new trial seems to pretty fucking focused at the task at hand. Assuming that they are able to get Dassey a new trial in a federal court and as long as Len Kachinsky’s cousin isn’t the judge at that trial, I think the smarter bet is Dassey getting out of the clink. Plus, even if Dassey’s fat ass doesn’t get a new trial, he’s up for early release in 2048, and by that point, most of the key players will probably be a corpse and the truth will set him free…

Best Bet: Yeah, take Dassey here, you know.

Wait, there’s more: Colin Kaepernick Wants To Play For The Jets, Which Is Perfect Because He Sucks

You have got to see this shit:

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