Here Are Our Best Guesses As To How Bill Belichick Got A Black Eye

bill belichick

by Tommy Gimler

We all know that Patriots head coach Bill Belichick loves doing press conferences about as much I enjoy getting the runs, but by the looks of things, he really didn’t want to do one today.

Belichick walked up to the podium sporting a shiner that made him look like a broad who had spent the night with Chris Brown instead of an NFL head coach. And in true Belichick fashion, he refused to reveal the reason behind the black eye, instead just saying that he’ll “be fine.”

Well, that wasn’t good enough for us, so we decided to come up with our own theories as to how Bill would up with a shiner. But remember, just like the crew over at ESPN, we have nothing to back up our claims.

Theory #1 – He took his daughter Amanda to Olive Garden, and she punched him after he ate what she thought was the last breadstick.

Look at this beast:

amanda belichick

That’s Bill Belichick’s daughter Amanda, and despite the fact that it looks like she knows everything there is to know about chain restaurants, nobody told her that the breadsticks at Olive Garden were endless. She and Bill were engaged in a conversation about the percentage of Holy Cross lacrosse players this year who are lesbians when he reached into the basket for the last breadstick and scarfed it down. Not knowing that the waiter would replace it with a full basket two minutes later and stunned that he didn’t ask her if she wanted it – and she clearly did – Amanda popped her pops right above his left eye…

Theory #2 – One of his girlfriend’s fake tits exploded during an insanely intense motorboating session.

Look at those things:

bill belichick linda holliday

The Pats have lost four of their last six games, and you know that’s not sitting well with “The Hoodie.” If you think that aggression hasn’t carried over to the bedroom, think again.

After a nice sushi dinner, the couple sat down last weekend to binge-watch Making a Murderer on Netflix. At some point during Episode 9, Linda Holliday told Belichick to pretend he was Ken Kratz while she pretended to be one of the domestic abuse victims he sexually harassed. He refused at first, but after she called him a pussy and added, “Maybe I’ll give Todd Bowles a call and see if he wants to do it,” Belichick changed his tone and jumped into action. First up? You guessed it: Motorboat that bitch. Unfortunately, he goes at those things way too hard and her right tit explodes in his left eye. It wasn’t all bad news for the couple, though, as Pats owner Bob Kraft offered to pay for repairs…

Theory #3 – Opus Dei member Bill Belichick accidentally gave himself a black eye during a mortification of the flesh session gone wrong.

silas

Normally, Belichick atones for his cheating ways by letting Tom Brady whip him across his back with a spiked chain. But since the Patriots had a first-round bye last week, Gisele Bündchen had Brady doing, well, whatever she wanted, so Bill was forced to whip himself. On what was apparently going to be his final whipping of the evening, he accidentally reached too far behind his back and a few of the spikes wrapped around his shoulder and caught his left eye. How he’s still able to urinate with a spiral flooring nail hammered through the tip of his penis is still a mystery to this day, though…

Wait, there’s more: Here’s A Handwritten Lawsuit Against Ronda Rousey That Accuses Her Of Having A Penis

You have got to see this shit:

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