Fartgate: Who Farted At The Beginning Of The Fourth Quarter Today In Denver?

phil simms jim nantz fart

by Tommy Gimler

Our money is on an undercooked patty melt not sitting well with Phil Simms, but when it comes to booth farts, you can never count out Jim Nance.

Hello, friends.

The Steelers-Broncos game Sunday afternoon was fucking brutal, much like trying to get a boner after watching an episode of Narcos. But there was one moment just before the start of the fourth quarter that made sitting through three hours of pure dog shit totally worth it.

Yup, you guessed it: Somebody farted.

Most of those kids were no doubt beyond nervous about being on a football field in front of more than 76,000 assholes at Sports Authority Field at Mile High. But odds are there wasn’t a live mic anywhere near them, so we can pretty much rule out any of those little fuckers dropping ass on live television.

So, that leaves us with three possible suspects:

Phil Simms

It’s not like you ever hear anybody say that they actually want Simms to call a game featuring their beloved team, especially Broncos fans. But he was definitely worse that usual today. His attempt at breaking down a pass interference call in the first half was so putrid that it almost made my ears bleed. There were also more uncomfortable moments of silence from Simms today than usual, and I’ve got ten bucks that says they were a result of either an avocado club sandwich or a bowl of two-bean chili that was resting near the edge of his colon for the majority of the game. Fart factor: 9 out of 10

Jim Nance

Whether it’s an NFL playoff game or the Masters, there is a certain calm that Nance brings to the table. But you know a guy like that also brings some major gas with him from time to time that is usually the result of filet mignon and three glasses of scotch. But a guy this classy has mastered the art of farting in public and on camera, and you know anytime he does it, it’s silent. They probably smell like strawberries, too. Fart factor: 2 out of 10

Jay Feely

Having Jay Feely down on the field to discuss special teams play Sunday afternoon was unnecessary. He obviously got the gig because he has pictures of the president of CBS Sports giving a rim job to an 11-year-old Vietnamese boy or some shit. He was pathetic.

“Hey, Jay. What is McManus dealing with on the field before this kick?”

“Well, it’s pretty windy, Jim. Back to you.”

“Thanks Jay.”

Feely seemed to be about as comfortable being part of a live broadcast team as a member of the Manitowoc County Sheriff’s Office on the stand, and where there’s a nervous guy, there’s usually major gas. Fart factor: 6 out of 10

Again, our money is on Simms and bowl of two-bean chili, but without an admission from him or somebody else, odds are the world will never know the identity of real culprit behind Fartgate 2016…

Wait, there’s more: Here Are Our Best Guesses As To How Bill Belichick Got A Black Eye

You have got to see this shit:  

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One Response to Fartgate: Who Farted At The Beginning Of The Fourth Quarter Today In Denver?

  1. Shannon says:

    After several viewings of the “incident” it is perfectly clear who the culprit is in Fartgate 2016.

    Pay careful attention to the young man on the end in the Rams jersey. Notes: He is watching for the camera, he gets a (no pun intended) shit eating grin on his face. Clearly this clever little darling has a fart machine in his left pocket that he activated when he knew the camera and mic were on him. His left hand is in his pocket the whole time, while his right hand is free. The walk off is also a dead give away.

    Anyone else see this? I’m talking to all you moms with little boys out there in football land.

    PS I wish I had a dozen like him, he’s my hero

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