For The Last Time Fucktards, Stop Bringing Your Infants To Baseball Games

blue jays fans throw beers baby

by Frank Rhombus

Wednesday’s Game 5 between Toronto and Texas featured some the craziest shit I’ve ever seen at a baseball game, including a 53-minute 7th inning that made me pee a little bit.

In the top of the inning, Blue Jays catcher Russell Martin somehow hit Shin-Soo Choo’s bat while trying to throw the ball back to the pitcher’s mound, and that allowed Rough Odor – seriously, that’s his fucking name – to score from third base, temporarily giving Texas a 3-2 lead in the process. Toronto fans, who along with the home plate umpire were unaware that the ball was still live, lost their shit.

And by lost their shit, I mean they began cursing at the top of their lungs and throwing cups and cans of beer onto the field. Naturally, not all of those cans of beer that were chucked from the upper deck made it all the way onto the diamond, with at least one of them coming within a c-hair of hitting…wait for it…mother who was holding her infant child.

Now, most will argue that mother and child would have been fine if the Jays fans hadn’t started throwing their $12 beers in the vicinity of the kid, but we’re going to go another, more logical route and say that mother and child would have been fine if mother hadn’t brought the fucking child to the game in the first place.

If you think ISIS is threatening the American – well, I suppose in this case Canadian – way of life, think again. They’re not even in the same ballpark as these idiot mothers who bring their newborns to sporting events, music festivals, weddings, movie theaters, bars, Tough Mudders, and of course, every fucking flight I’ve been on this year.

Look, ladies. Sooner or later you have to cut the goddamn umbilical cord, hire a babysitter, and leave the kid at home. And if you can’t do that, then tough shit, you’re going to have to sit this one out and watch the game at home with said kid.

Even before those drunk Canucks started littering the lower deck with cans of Labatt Blue, this “mother of the year” was putting her kid in danger just by having him in an enclosed stadium with damn near 50,000 people screaming at the top of their lungs. I’m sure it wasn’t the 131.9 decibels that Seahawks fans screamed their way to a few years ago, but it was still louder than a collection of young porn starlets getting their balloon knots plugged by Lexington Steele for the first time, and that was loud enough to get me kicked out of Starbucks.

Seriously, there is no reason to bring a child that young to a game. The only things a kid that young is going to remember are the faces and voices of his parents. And we’re pretty sure if he could talk, he could describe in great detail to a police sketch artist what his mother’s tits look like as well. But outside of that, he’s not going to remember a single fucking thing about Wednesday.

Instead, his mom was damn near put in the position of having to tell him six years from now why his face is dented in and that’s why he has no friends at school. And the reason she’s writing it down, bud? You guessed it: It’s because you can’t hear because your mother had to take you to a MLB postseason game. Don’t remember it, you say? Oh yeah, that’s right. It’s because you were only six months old at the time.

It reminds me of the time I sat in the bleachers at Chavez Ravine – which is a terrific idea if you actually want to get shanked for some reason – and some asshole dad decided that was a great place for his three-year-old daughter. She loved the game of baseball so much that she decided to turn her back to the action and climb up onto the bleachers and jump up and down while screaming like a retard who was finally able to wipe his own ass for a change.

Of course, her dad was talking to a friend and watching the game, so he wasn’t there to catch her when she slipped and smashed her face on said bleachers, leaving behind a trail of blood about the size of the mess Melissa McCarthy would probably leave behind if she forgot to insert a tampon. And since she made direct contact with the aluminum just beneath her left eye, I’m sure she’ll have quite the icebreaker for every guy who asks what happened to her face.

And to think, it wouldn’t have happened if her parents would have just left her at home…

Wait, there’s more: Still Don’t Think NFL Games Are Fixed? Then Explain Why A Jacksonville Player Blocked For Tampa Bay On This 58-Yard Punt Return

You have got to see this shit:

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