Here Is Your NFC South Preview, Bro

jameis winston struggling

by Rakesh the Intern

Check it out, bro. With the exception of its AFC counterpart, this NFC South division might be most boring in all of football, almost as boring as my Uncle Yash’s average day. And he’s dead, bro.

The Atlanta Falcons’ opportunity to win it all has passed, Drew Brees has nobody left to throw pigskin to, and this Cam Newton might be about as stupid at Cousin Harish, and he was born with just three-quarter brain, my friend. And this Tampa Bay team might not win game for rest of century, bro. In fact, division is so shit from pig, that thugs in Vegas have three-way tie at the top for over/under win totals, and that number is just 8 1/2, my friend.

Still, boss says that I have to make prediction about who will win this goat shit division, so here is what I am thinking, bro:

1. Atlanta Falcons

hot falcons fan

Check it out, bro. The Falcons did good thing this offseason when they fire shit from goat coach Mike Smith. I’m telling you, bro. Cousin Harish could have won some of these games if he was head coach, and he was born with just three-quarter brain, my friend. Sad shit, bro. I’ll tell you, they should have won against Detroit and Cleveland but instead lost in last second because of pig shit coach, and those two wins would have meant division title. It was almost as disgusting as my Aunt Mahima, and she pick her teeth with her toenails, my friend. Serious, bro. She did that at Christmas two year ago.

New coach Dan Quinn will bring defensive tude or whatever you call it in this country to a team that hasn’t been known for defense since, well, like forever, bro. Last year’s team gave up more yards than anybody else in league, which means they were as good at stopping pass as Uncle Arjun was at getting out of way of stray elephant, and Uncle Arjun got crushed to death by that thing, my friend. Sad shit, bro…

Last year: 6-10 (3rd)

This year, Vegas says: 8 1/2 wins (t-1st)

The DUD says: 9-7 (1st)

Vaughn McClure (ESPN) says: 8-8 (t-3rd)

2. New Orleans Saints

saints clown fan

This Drew Brees man is the real deal at quarterback, bro. His receivers are like the exact opposite though, my friend. So, who care that Brees can throw tight spiral or whatever you call it in this country if there is nobody on other end to catch that shit, bro? The situation is kind of like my cousins Deepak and Neeraj. This Deepak kid is potent. Something like eight kids already, and he’s only 27, bro. But then his brother Neeraj is exact opposite. He once got his testicles crushed in rickshaw accident, and now he is, oh how do you say it in this country, blank shooting.

And let’s be honest here, bro. This defense hasn’t been the same since they stopped getting paid extra to make hard tackle, my friend…

Last year: 7-9 (2nd)

This year, Vegas says: 8 1/2 wins (t-1st)

The DUD says: 8-8 (2nd)

Mike Triplett (ESPN) says: 10-6 (t-1st)

3. Carolina Panthers

hot carolina cheerleaders

I do not care for this team, bro. In fact, I don’t know anybody who does not hate this team, my friend. They remind me of my Uncle Omkar, bro. Nobody like that guy because he used to hit Aunt Tanvi harder than black guy would hit that ass with a Kardashian. He’s in jail now, bro.

And I’ll tell you what, boss. This Cam Newton can eat a dick or whatever you say in this country. Probably most overhyped player in league. Funny commercials though, bro…

Last year: 7-8-1 (1st)

This year, Vegas says: 8.5 wins (t-1st)

The DUD says: 7-9 (3rd)

David Newton (ESPN) says: 10-6 (t-1st)

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Carolina Panthers vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers - December 26, 2004

This season for Buccaneer fan could be longer than Cousin Abhishek’s foreskin, and that thing is like three inches, bro. Defense look like it could be pretty solid, but this new fat quarterback is going to find out hard way that NFL defense is not same thing as Wake Forest, my friend.

This Tampa Bay team could be really good in 2018, boss. But unfortunately for them and their fans, last time I check the year is only 2015, bro…

Last year: 2-14 (4th)

This year, Vegas says: 6-10 (4th)

The DUD says: 4-12 (4th)

Pat Yasinskas (ESPN) says: 8-8 (seriously, bro) (t-3rd)

Wait, there’s more, bro: Here Is Your AFC West Preview, Bro

You have got to see this shit, bro:

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