Here Is How The NFC North Will Finish This Year, Bro

NFL: Green Bay Packers at San Francisco 49ers

by Rakesh the Intern

Hello again, my friend. Let me tell you something, bro. After another summer in India watching the vast majority of my family use the streets for toilet, I am happy to be back in the office in America and predicting what will happen this season in your silly game of professional football.

We will start this year’s predictions with the NFC North, as it should be one of only two division this year where race will not be tighter than Jew in New Delhi, bro. I’m telling you, bro, even in India they don’t buy shit unless it is on sale or something. And in my country, you can buy automobile at regular price for the same amount as you would pay for microwave oven over here in America, my friend. No bull shit, bro.

Anyhow, my friend, much like every year, the story in the NFC North will be that Packers are good like clean poon and the rest are shit from pig, bro:

1. Green Bay Packers

aaron rodgers mustache

Listen, bro. Vegas is all over this Packers team like my cousin Gokul on anything that fucking moves, my friend. But that is what happens when you are born with baby left arm, bro. The girlies in Howrah find that about as attractive as his massive bush of pubic hair. I tell him, “Gokul, shave that shit, bro.” But he says it is good luck and suggesting a tidy-up job is crazy, almost as crazy as taking any team other than Green Bay to win this division.

I mean, did you see who is on this team again this year? For starters, bro, they have that quarterback who is pretending he like hottie from X-Men just so everybody forgets that he really likes man’s asshole. Anyway, he is best in the game, and pretty much everybody from last year’s team is back with him for Super Bowl run. Maybe this time if Packers make it to NFC Championship Game, Clay Matthews will actually play in fourth quarter instead of being bigger pussy than my cousin Anagi in college. Something like 13 guys in her at one time in college. Sick shit, bro. And she would keep doing that shit like every week, boss. A little while later, her poon broke, bro…

Last year: 12-4 (1st)

This year, Vegas says: 11-5 (1st)

The DUD says: 12-4 (1st)

Fansided says: 14-2 (1st)

2. Detroit Lions

lions fans fight

Check it out, bro. People are down on the Lions this year, and they should be. For starters, my cousin will have harder time returning from Qatar with a pulse after working as slave on those soccer stadiums than Detroit will have repeating a double-digit win season. But just barely, bro. Their schedule is harder than I am when I see these American women scissor each other on computer, my friend. I mean, really. I can’t believe they do that shit, bro.

No Ndamukong Suh this year probably means fewer penalty, but it look like Lions fans will have to go back to putting bullets in each other for fun, because they sure as shit aren’t going to have it when they watch their shit from pig football team, bro…

Last year: 11-5 (2nd)

This year, Vegas says: 8.5 wins (2nd)

The DUD says: 7-9 (2nd-tied)

Fansided says: 7-9 (3rd)

3. Minnesota Vikings

vikings fan

This Minnesota Vikings team will be fun one to watch, bro. Just not this year.

Sure, Adrian Peterson has served penalty for beating fuck out of kid with stick, but I just have hunch that he won’t be the same AP that we saw a few years ago when he was on really good steroid, bro. Plus, I don’t like that they will be playing in that shit from pig college stadium again. Maybe it is just me, but it look more like field for these Special Olympics than for American football.

And I don’t like how every silly American is betting on over for this team. Something like -160 now if you want to bet on their over. Bottom line is that you should put fat Rupee on this Vikings under this year. I mean like Uncle Rishabh fat. Dude is like 400-pounder now, my friend…

Last year: 7-9 (3rd)

This year, Vegas says: 7.5 wins (3rd)

The DUD says: 7-9 (2nd-tied)

Fansided says: 11-5 (2nd)

4. Chicago Bears

smoking jay cutler

Really, this one is almost as simple as my cousin Harish, and he was born with just three-quarter brain, my friend. As long as this Jay Cutler is throwing passes for Bears, then Bears will lose. Best thing for Bears fans would be Cutler needing career-ending surgery on his vagina, so the organization could bring in somebody who knows how to play the position, bro.

And as far as this defense goes, scoring points on them will again be easier than my ex-girlfriend Akansh, and she was like biggest slut in Howrah, bro…

Last year: 5-11 (4th)

This year, Vegas says: 7-9 (4th)

The DUD says: 6-10 (4th)

Fansided says: 5-11 (4th)

Wait, there’s more: Some Of C.J. Wilson’s Teammates Think He’s A Big Pussy

You have got to see this shit:

 

 

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