Getting Cancer Is Apparently The Best Way To Fire Up Your Team

john farrell

by Frank Rhombus

On the surface, that title makes me look like a bigger asshole than Shia LaBeouf. But seriously, just a little research and remembrance will easily prove my point and make you feel like an asshole for judging me.

The 2015 Boston Red Sox have been a bigger collective group of turds than the Goo Goo Dolls thanks in large part to a pitching staff that ranks dead last in the American League in ERA and WHIP. And for most of July and August, their offense was nothing more than a middle-of-the-road bunch, averaging just over four runs per game.

But then Friday happened.

On the heels of his team dropping six of their last nine games, manager John Farrell sat in front of the Dunkin’ Donuts brick wall for what should have just been the usual group of questions about why his team sucked so much dick this year. Instead, Farrell fought back tears as he dropped a bombshell: He had cancer.

Farrell told reporters that a “highly curable” form of Stage 1 lymphoma was discovered during a recent hernia surgery, and he would miss the rest of the season as a result of the chemotherapy treatments and recovery process in the coming weeks. He took and delivered the news like an absolute champ, referring to himself as “fortunate” and already praising the “world-class talent” at Massachusetts General Hospital before they get to work.

And then something even crazier happened: The Red Sox immediately stopped sucking balls and beat the everliving shit out of the Seattle Mariners in the first two games of a three-game set at Fenway. And we’re not talking about a few 9-3 ass beatings here. No, the Sox went out and pulverized the Mariners 15-1 Friday night and…wait for it…22-10 Saturday afternoon.

That’s 37 runs in just over 24 hours since their skipper announced he had the big C, and it got us wondering if anything fires up a group of athletes more than finding out the man in charge has cancer.

Sadly, unless you’re the New England Patriots coming off of a cheating accusation, the answer is no.

Take the 2012 Indianapolis Colts, for example. New head coach Chuck Pagano, who was probably best recognized from the phrase, “Who the fuck is Chuck Pagano?” before taking over a pig shit awful Colts squad, announced to his team that he had been diagnosed with leukemia. He delivers one of the most emotional speeches since Jim Valvano’s gem at the 1993 ESPYs, and the Colts make the postseason just one year after winning two games.

Now, did the arrival of hillbilly smart kid Andrew Luck help the Colts’ cause that year? You bet your fucking ass. But so did cancer.

And how about the 2009-10 Denver Nuggets? After the All-Star Game, head coach George Karl informed his team that he once again had cancer, except this time around it was in his throat and neck instead of his stones. Denver rallied around him, winning 12 of their 16 games following his announcement. Like the Colts, they would bow out of the playoffs in the first round, as Adrian Dantley was no Bruce Arians, and unlike Pagano, Karl was just too sick to make a return before the season came to a close.

But perhaps the best example of a coach firing up his team by announcing that he has cancer came the high school football level last year when the head coach of the Oak Grove High School football team in Missouri informed his team and the community that he had to walk away from the program because of kidney cancer, which sounds like it’s almost as big of a bitch as Lindsay Lohan. After coaching the football team for 40 seasons, George Pirch fought the battle of his life and was cleared to watch from the stands as his boys won the program’s first ever state championship.

So, am I saying that it’s a good thing when your team’s coach or manager gets diagnosed with cancer? Of course not. But hey, it sure as shit doesn’t hurt the cause…

Wait, there’s more: John Daly Threw His Club Into Lake Michigan Because John Daly Is The Fucking Man

You have got to see this shit:

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