A Local Fan’s View Of The Pig Shit Awful Phillies

the phillies are terrible

by Schroeder

If the Milwaukee Brewers actually pull off a sweep of the Philadelphia Phillies tonight, it will be the nastiest broom the sports world has seen since the one that was shoved up a Johnson Creek wrestler’s balloon knot in 1992.

I was born in Essington, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Philadelphia that is basically the exit off I-95 right before the Philly airport. By the time I was six, I had been to Veterans Stadium probably 100 times. Hell, I even have seats in my garage from when they tore it down.

Now, I live in Delaware about 45 minutes south, and I feel like I’m 45 years away from the 2008 season in which I saw my beloved Phillies win the World Series.

This week, I’ve had the pleasure of watching the equivalent to Rosie O’Donnell’s crotch-stained thong on a baseball field. The second-worst team in all of baseball – the Brewers – drunkenly stumbled into town and have henceforth won the first three of a four-game series against the team I love. Amazingly, the Phillies at 27-53 are only a mere 17 games back in their shit division while a 32-48 Brewers squad sits 20.5 back.

Nevertheless, the Phillies have managed to look like my unborn sister and her aborted friends taking the field while being gang-raped by a team that consists of guys who didn’t even make the Little League All-Star team. Jeff Francoeur forgot how to play baseball, there was some literal man-on-man action at first base, and the Phillies hired a guy to run the organization after he left he game for three years because his “heart wasn’t in it anymore.”

I for one can’t wait to see Cole Hamels get traded for prospects who won’t amount to a pile of used “Dollar Dog Night” toilet paper as well as Chase Utley fade away like steam on the glass from a steam shower orgy. One thing is for certain: It hasn’t been long enough from a World Series ring, a 102-win season, and World Series appearance for this team to have fallen so far into the toilet of a two-pound Jäger shit…

Wait, there’s more: Here’s Who Should Be Starting The All-Star Game For The National League

You have got to see this shit:

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