2015 NL Central Preview

MLB: Chicago Cubs at New York Mets

by Tommy Gimler

Cubs fans are creaming their shorts because “experts” are projecting a record above .500 (barely) for their beloved team, and that just says so much.

Let’s be honest: Trying to accurately predict how many games a team is going to win over a 162-game season is almost as hard as trying to watch Die Hard without getting a boner. I mean, Jeff Passan had the Rays winning the AL East last year, and he gets paid to do this shit.

That’s why we’re going to preview every team this year in three sentences or less. Because when it comes down to it, we know just as much as everybody else does this time of year: jack shit

1. Pittsburgh Pirates


Guys who think thinking about baseball will rid them of ther massive erections at church better hope the starting outfield for the Pirates doesn’t pop into their heads. Losing Russell Martin in the clubhouse is a big deal, but the league’s highest paid pie thrower, A.J. Burnett, is back, and that should lessen the blow. It looks like the Pirates will be the biggest story in Pittsburgh this summer, not the fact that their drinking water tastes like AIDS.…

Daily Upper Decker: 91-71 (1st)

Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 89-73 (2nd)

Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 88-74 (2nd)

Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Over 85 wins (2nd)

Vegas: 84 1/2 wins (2nd)

2. St. Louis Cardinals


The Cardinals organization is so goddamn impressive that they could lose their entire starting rotation to severe cases of jaundice, and five new guys from their Triple-A affiliate would step up and deliver. It doesn’t matter who they lose, they’re winners. Especially when it matters…

Daily Upper Decker: 89-73 (2nd)

Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 93-69 (1st)

Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 91-71 (1st)

Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Over 88 wins (1st)

Vegas: 87 1/2 wins (1st)

3. Cincinnati Reds

reds shirt

Ray Rice hit Janay harder than the injury bug hit the Reds last year, but just barely. And that team still found a way to win 76 games. It’s a contract year for Cueto, and we think this is the year that Joey Votto realizes that taking walks instead of hitting home run is making him look like a huge pussy…

Daily Upper Decker: 83-79 (3rd)

Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 80-82 (4th)

Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 73-89 (5th)

Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: 76-86 (5th)

Vegas: 77 1/2 wins (5th)

4. Chicago Cubs

MLB: Chicago Cubs at New York Mets

Opening Night is tomorrow, and Wrigley Field doesn’t have any bleachers, and their best player is beginning the season in Iowa. It’s already shaping up to be another banner year on the North Side. The Cubs are going to own this division for the next five years, but not this year…

Daily Upper Decker: 80-82 (4th)

Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 84-78 (3rd)

Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 82-80 (3rd)

Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Under 84 wins (3rd)

Vegas: 83 wins (3rd)

5. Milwaukee Brewers


The Brewers’ pitching staff does about as much for me as nudie pics of Hilary Clinton. Braun is nothing more than an average player when his fingers hurt, and Aramis Ramirez looks like he’s about 49 years old this spring. Then again, he’s from the Dominican Republic, so maybe he really is that old…

Daily Upper Decker: 76-86 (5th)

Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 74-88 (5th)

Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 74-88 (4th)

Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Under 79 wins (4th)

Vegas: 78 1/2 wins (4th)

Wait, there’s more: 2015 NL East Preview

You have got to see this shit:

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