Nate Allen Cleared Of Jerking Off In His Truck Because He Was Slumming It At Red Lobster Instead


by Tommy Gimler

We’re actually not sure which is more embarrassing here, getting accused of masturbating in your truck by a 16-year-old girl or settling for imitation seafood despite the fact that you pulled down $3 million last year.

Good news for soon-to-be unrestricted free agent safety Nate Allen, as prosecutors in Fort Myers have determined he was wrongly accused of punching his clown in his black Ford pickup truck last Monday. It turns out that Allen was chowing on some fake lobster and Cheddar Bay biscuits at Red Lobster instead, which is bad news for his digestive system.

Allen was cleared after a time stamp on his receipt showed that he was in the “restaurant” at the same time a 16-year-old girl called 911 to report a man in a black pickup truck tugging on Mr. Happy with the windows down. Allen apparently also snapped a photo with somebody who somehow knew who he was, and that helped in the clearing of his name as well.

The biggest takeaway from this? You guessed it: Save your receipts, kids…

Wait, there’s more: Clippers Fan Who We’re Pretty Sure Doesn’t Have Downs Sucks At Free Throws

You have got to see this shit:

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