From One Orange Disaster to the Next


by Adam Pockross

Syracuse University, my alma mater, just told a bunch of kids who are working their tails off that they will never work hard enough to be the best. So they shouldn’t even try.

The University also sent out a communique to its alumni base sharing the news that we’re quitting early this year. While that was surprising, it was even more surprising to receive an email from Cuse that wasn’t asking for money.

Look, I’m a diehard Orange man, to and through, and yet I gotta agree with Fran Fraschilla, there’s no way Cuse throws in the towel early if Boeheim thinks these kids are at all ballin’.

Regardless of whether or not our record factored into it, this whole plea bargain stinks like a Doug Baldwin touchdown dance. For many reasons, but mostly because Rakeem Christmas will never get a chance to go all John Wallace on the rest of the world and carry a mediocre team to the Final Four, which I’m pretty sure is what was going to happen this March had we not tanked the postseason in hopes of staving off further NCAA repercussions.

Alas, now we’ll never know if a run was in the books. One thing I’m pretty sure of, though, is that Christmas will be a far better NBA player than Tyler “The Penis” Enis and Jerami “I’m Nothing Like My Uncle” Grant. Why? Because Xmas has character and perseverance to go along with that lanky frame of his, while those other two program-decimators only have D-league sweats to go over theirs.

Is it fair to blame two kids who probably have nothing to do with the allegations for the demise of the program? Probably not, but if the NCAA decides our little PR stunt isn’t enough of a punishment, then we could be a real bad ACC team for a while instead of the incredibly stacked, vying for a title team we’d be putting on the floor if Enis returns for his sophomore year and Grant his junior. But they had bigger plans, like riding D-league pine. And now we’ve got no plans past March 7th.

Though Enis and Grant are certainly precluding us from contending this year, it doesn’t sound like they did anything wrong other than listening to people telling them they’re special. Apparently, the violations are “at least” ten years old, which means allegations are more likely swirling around great Orangemen of yore, from back when we were literally men and not just a color preferred by gay dudes and decorators.

Sadly, that’s the color I’m stuck loving, since I was raised on the Denver Broncos (by a decorator, if you must know). And because I didn’t want to totally switch up my wardrobe, I went to Syracuse. But nowadays, I’m left without a hat to wear proudly, as both my orange teams have thoroughly let me down in the past month. And since it rains a lot where I live, I’m getting awfully wet…

Wait, there’s more: A Female Referee Actually Gave DeAndre Jordan A Technical Foul Last Night For Swearing At…Wait For It…The Basketball

You have got to see this shit:

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