Worst Fantasy Week Ever


by Tommy Gimler

You wanted a trip to your fake football championship. You got Melissa McCarthy jamming a dozen Lincoln Logs into her hump hole instead. Or basically for dorks everywhere, it was a goddamn nightmare.

Week 15 of the 2015 fantasy football season will probably go down as one of the worst weeks of all time. In most leagues, the regular season champ was able to rest his fake studs last weekend, so it didn’t matter that guys like Peyton Manning and Jimmy Graham were complete turds in Week 14. It’s not like they were going to shit the bed two weeks in a row, right?

Oops, Suzie.

Manning gave his fake owners such a dick sandwich in Week 15, they would have been better off starting guys like Derek Anderson, Teddy Bridgewater, Eli Manning, and even Alex Smith. Or how about probable NFL MVP Aaron Rodgers? His fake owners would have been better off starting guys like Charlie Whitehurst, Derek Carr, and even Geno Smith.

Speaking of dick sandwiches, how about this Jamaal Charles mother fucker in Kansas City? Many fake owners made this dreadlocked asshole the number one overall pick in their fake drafts, and he gave them 52 rushing yards and one catch for one yard when they needed him most. Meanwhile, his backup Knile Davis rushed for one tuddy and caught another, making him the fourth-best running back play of the week. Philadelphia’s LeSean McCoy went either first or second in most fantasy drafts, yet it was teammate Chris Polk who almost doubled McCoy’s output Sunday night.

Demaryius Thomas, Dez Bryant, and Odell Beckham Jr. didn’t disappoint their fake owners in Week 15, but Calvin Johnson, Jordy Nelson, and T.Y. Hilton sure as shit did. Hell, rookie phenom Jordan Matthews didn’t even register a fucking catch, although that probably had more to do with Mark Sanchez being the quarterback position’s equivalent to AIDS than Matthews facing a tough Dallas secondary.

Jimmy Graham’s 87 receiving yards against the pig shit awful Bears Monday night wasn’t terrible, but odds are his fake owners were looking for more from what was probably their first-round draft pick. Meanwhile, Graham’s teammate Josh Hill, who you might recognize from the phrase, “Who in the fuck is Josh Hill?” caught two tuddies, making him either the second or third-best tight end play of the week depending on your fake league’s fake scoring system.

If you were relying on your kicker to take you to the fake promised land, you’re a real fucking idiot. But the same can’t be said about defenses. Often times a defense can net you more than 20 or 30 points. Hell, the Rams defense gave their fake owners 57 points over the last two weeks. But this time? You guessed it: Dick Sandwich City against an atrocious Arizona offense.

It all added up to the worst week of fantasy football in recent memory. Well, unless you had Drew Brees, Odell Beckham, Dez Bryant, Jeremy Hill, Le’Veon Bell, Josh Hill, and the Baltimore defense, of course…

Wait, there’s more: It Looks Like DeMarco Murray Fucked His College Teammate’s Wife

You have got to see this shit:

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One Response to Worst Fantasy Week Ever

  1. Hunter says:

    What are the odds that I have Brees, Leveon Bell, and the name of my team is Dick Sandwich? Lmao, good stuff there Gimler.

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