God Bless Us Everyone, Except Swaggy P

Miami Heat v Los Angeles Lakers

by Eddie Bagelstein

It’s not often you see two Nick Young headlines in one day, or in one year for that matter. But yesterday, as I was being pummeled by my daily deluge of mind-shrinking media, I did just that.

Since it is my job as a DUD purveyor of crap to report on matters of the zeitgeist, I will go against my better inclinations, which tell me that Nick Young is not important enough for me to write about, and I will dive deep into the matter of why Young, despite being on the woeful Lakers, deserves to be taking up your valuable zeitgeist space.

But first: Is there anything more fun to write as “woeful Lakers”?

Despite Nick’s – or Swaggy P, as he believes God intended for him to be known – best efforts, the “Lake Show” will continue to be known as the “woeful Lakers” until they get rid of Kobe Bryant. No one wants to play with a 36-year-old guy who refuses to become a role player. Especially not Swaggy P.

The first headline of the day doesn’t say exactly that about Swaggy P’s desires: “Nick Young’s plan to reduce Kobe’s workload: ‘Just give me the ball’.” But let’s look a bit further into Swaggy’s response to hearing that Kobe was thinking of taking some nights off to rest his aging bones.

“Just give me the ball, and that’s what could happen. I’m always down to take over the load. Let me, let Wayne [Ellington] take a couple shots. But majority, just give me the ball,” said the man who averages just over 15 points a night and just under 1 assist.

Perhaps after an evil glance from Kobe, Nick went on to say,”[Bryant] still goes out there at night and tries to give his best. We need Kobe out there, and he knows it. But he don’t need to kill himself. That’s what I’m here for.”

Oh Swaggy, so young, so dumb.

Because he’s a cocky rapist, I hate Kobe. But I love the game. And so I’m able to admit that Kobe plays it better than anyone has since MJ. I’ve probably seen Swaggy P play ten times in my life, and he may have shown up to shoot on about three of those nights. He didn’t show up to pass on any of them. I don’t have to see a whole lot more of the man other than his Orlando Woolridge-esque stat line to know he’s not going to be able to fill Kobe’s shoes.

What an asshole. Anybody with a haircut like that, you know he’s an asshole.

While the day’s first Nick Young story may be infuriating to Lakers fans (though judging by their silence this year, perhaps there aren’t any of them left), the day’s second Nick Young story should be infuriating to us all: “Iggy Azalea gives Nick Young a 1962 Impala.”

Should you be infuriated because a 1962 Impala sounds a lot better than whatever the fuck you’re going to get this year? Yes. Should you be infuriated because Swaggy’s a young punk on a losing team who’s getting rock star pussy? Yes. Should you be infuriated because he’s got a stupid hair cut? Yes.

But mostly, you should be infuriated that in our society, someone named Swaggy is dating someone named Iggy, and that’s something we write stories about.

Please, stay out of my zeitgeist. And may the ever-loving God, thy eternal power who gave Swaggy P his dumb fucking name, please have mercy on our souls…

Wait, there’s more: DUD Breakdown: BYU And Memphis Brawl After Double Overtime Bowl Game

You have got to see this shit:

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