Clayton Kershaw And Mike Trout Are Your MVPs, Can Plow My Sister

trout kershaw sister plow

by Tommy Gimler

Clayton Kershaw and Mike Trout were named the NL and AL Most Valuable Players today, cementing their #1 and #2 spots on the list of guys who can run a train on my sister.

At just 23 years of age, Trout became the fifth-youngest player in MLB history to win the award, the youngest since Cal Ripken won it 31 years ago at the age of 22, and the youngest ever to win it unanimously. His 7.9 WAR was tops in all of baseball, almost as awesome as Kim Kardashian’s poop chute. Some will argue that Trout’s 184 strikeouts were the most in the American League, but they’re just dicks. Trout’s 115 runs and 111 RBI were both tops in the AL, his nine triples were good for second, and both his 36 home runs and .939 OPS were good for third.

Meanwhile, Kershaw became just the 10th pitcher in MLB history to win both the Cy Young and MVP awards, and the first to do it on the Senior Circuit since Bob Gibson in 1968. Kershaw took home 18 of the 30 first-place votes to edge out Giancarlo Stanton and Andrew McCutchen and rightfully so. Anybody who tells you otherwise is either a homer or a retard.

While Kershaw’s 1.77 ERA, 0.86 WHIP, 7.5 WAR, and 21 wins were not only tops for his position in the National but also in all of baseball, McCutchen’s lone statistical category wins were OBP, OPS, and best hair. And while Stanton’s 37 home runs and .555 slugging percentage are a big fake tits kind of awesome – especially when you consider a pitch to his face ended his season in early September – they still don’t hold water when compared to the season Kershaw put together.

So, here’s the current list of professional athletes we’d love to see take my sister out for a Red Lobster dinner followed by a plow sesh (if they haven’t already):

1) Clayton Kershaw (previously #1)

2) Mike Trout (previously #2)

3) Aaron Rodgers (previously unranked)

4) Patrick Kane (previously #4)

5) Antonio Brown (previously unranked)

No longer ranked:

Adrian Peterson

Oscar Pistorius

Wait, there’s more: Is Pete Rose Handicapped Now?

You have got to see this shit:

 

 

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