Eddie Bagelstein’s Top Five Kiss Cam Moments

giants dodgers fans kiss cam

by Eddie Bagelstien

I’m not afraid to admit it: I love love, so much so, that if it weren’t for this terribly burdensome Judaism I suffer from, Love would most certainly be my religion. Because I’m such a lover, and because there are no commandments against it, I obviously love the Kiss Cam.

What’s not to love about real reactions from real people, who are in varying depths of relationships, fishbowled in front of the world to either prove their love or fail at it? Who doesn’t love watching other people kissing and then imagining them fucking afterwards? Who doesn’t love entertaining distractions that keep us from confronting our own meager mortality?

Yes, the kiss cam rules. But there should be rules.

The Dodgers fan and Giants fan in this week’s viral Kiss Cam video, who dumped beer on each other in their big moment, had it planned all along.

While I applaud their creativity, and for mucking up the ugly hats of such Rockies-beaters, their lack of serendipity breaks the laws of uncertainty that makes the Kiss Cam work. And it precludes their inclusion in Eddie Bagelstein’s Top Five Kiss Cam Moments:

5. The Canadian Anthropological Study

One of the many great things about the Kiss Cam is the way it shines a glaring light on human behavior. We can learn so much about our neighbors to the north here: The fact that the kiss cam plays after a hockey fight; that the first three dudes appear to love beer more than women; that the two hot chicks are initially put off by the idea they should be kissing, but they end up giving into passionate public opinion; that they actually have Asians in Canada who are allowed to date the white women…

4. The Cocktease

damn

Kids do the darndest things. This poor romantic little boy is never going to grow up getting the kind of love he deserves after suffering public humiliation at the spiteful closed fist of this little girl. That’s a life-time of damage in one little time-out time killer. The power of the Kiss Cam. Plus, kiddie porn is always funny…

3. The Head Rub

The best part of this one isn’t when the guy in front gets spilled on, it’s when the guy doing the spilling and kissing rubs the spilled-on-guy’s head, like he wants to include his new neighbor in on the action. And then later on in the vid, that high benchmark of humor is surpassed yet again, when the Kiss Cam operator sets the heart on two dudes. Now that’s rich…

2. The Breakup

First of all, this poor guy had to go to a Fresno Grizzlies game. Worse yet, he had to go with a very healthy girl, who could easily kick his ass. The fact she didn’t is why this is only number two on the list. But when he tells her to talk to the hand one too many times, she sure knows how to put on a show, the likes Fresno isn’t likely to see again anytime soon…

1. The Smart Choice

Points for creativity aside, it’s the performance that wins this one. Could he have planned it ahead of time? Maybe, but he sells it so well that we’ll never know. And the look he gives that beer, you know he means it. It’s love, true love, the very reason the Kiss Cam brings us all together in the first place…

Wait, there’s more: Eddie Bagelstein’s Top Five Wife Beater Songs

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