The Funniest First Half Breakdown For All 30 MLB Teams

brewers walk off

by Tommy Gimler

Brewers and Athletics fans probably have permaboners, as their respective teams have been hotter than Kate Upton and Imogen Thomas bumping hump holes. Meanwhile, if the old fucks in St. Petersburg nursing homes haven’t had a chance to catch any Tampa Bay Rays games yet, they should just take a look in their diapers to see what their team has been playing like.

1. Oakland Athletics

Maybe Billy Beane should be at the top of the list of guys who can plow my sister. The Athletics own baseball’s best record at 51-31 and have scored more runs than any other team (418). Their run differential of +134 is 78 runs better than the next closest team. Closer Sean Doolittle sucked balls last night, but he’s only walked two guys all year. To put that in perspective, stud Yankees reliever Dellin Betances walked two guys tonight

2. Milwaukee Brewers

In years past, the Brewers were pure dog shit on the road. But this year, their 27-15 record away from Miller Park is the best in baseball. Milwaukee is 2nd in the NL behind Colorado in runs, home runs, batting average, and OPS. But Colorado’s pitching blows and Milwaukee’s does not, and that’s why the Brewers find themselves with the best record in the NL, and the Rockies are sucking a big black cock on a daily basis en route to another disappointing season…

3. Detroit Tigers

Just like a bad batch of genital herpes, the Tigers bats and arms went away for a while, but they’re back! Tigers pitchers own a 3.27 ERA over their last seven games, and their 38 runs in that same time span are the third most in all of baseball…

4. Los Angeles Dodgers

Look, when you spend eleventy billion dollars on your roster, sooner or later you’re going to start winning games. After Mike Trout gets done wrecking my sister, Clayton Kershaw is next in line to have a shot at her. He hasn’t given up a run since June 13th…

5. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

The Angels went 18-10 in June, and they would have been even better if their closer(s) didn’t suck balls. Their +47 run differential in June was the best mark in all of baseball…

6. San Francisco Giants

If the season ended today, the Giants would still make the postseason as a Wild Card team. But on June 8, San Francisco owned baseball’s best record and had a 9 1/2 game lead over the Dodgers. Since then, they’ve lost 15 of their last 19 games. Oh shit…

7. Seattle Mariners

Who put a quarter in the fucking Mariners? Their +56 run differential is the second-best in all of baseball, and their 2.53 ERA and .214 BAA in June were also the best marks in the bigs…

8. Atlanta Braves

Is it just us, or does anybody else feel like this team could easily be ten games under .500? Only the San Diego Padres have scored fewer runs than Atlanta, and the Padres are pace to finish with the lowest team batting average since they started letting black guys play the game. The Braves are 16-10 in one-run games and seemingly make more comebacks than wrecked porn star Ginger Lynn…

9. Washington Nationals

No pitching staff has a better ERA than Washington’s 3.07 mark. The Nationals find themselves just a half-game out of first place in the NL East even though stud Bryce Harper missed 59 games because his fingers hurt. Down the stretch, Strasburg/Gonzalez/Zimmermann sounds a hell of a lot sexier than Teheran/Minor/Harang, doesn’t it?

10. Toronto Blue Jays

No team has hit more home runs than Toronto (108). But most teams are pitching better than Toronto (4.09 ERA)…

11. St. Louis Cardinals

Sure, at 44-39, the Cardinals are five games over .500 and just 6 1/2 games behind the Brewers in the NL Central. But let’s be honest. They’ve been a bigger disappointment than Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy spread…

12. Cincinnati Reds

The Reds won 11 of 15 road games in June and finished the month with a record of 18-10. Johnny Cueto has been the best pitcher in all of baseball, Aroldis Chapman is back throwing 100 MPH heaters, and if you’re not careful, Billy Hamilton will steal your daughter’s virginity…

13. Baltimore Orioles

Chris Davis is turning out to be a bigger fluke than this girl I plowed in 2008 who squirted the first time I nailed her but not once after that. Ubaldo Jimenez is an $11.25 million turd, but Nelson Cruz is not. If his season ended today, he would still finish with 25 home runs and 66 RBI, and that would be well worth the $8 million gamble the Orioles took on him in the offseason…

14. Kansas City Royals

A 10-game winning streak in mid-June temporarily put the Royals atop the AL Central, and everybody was talking about how awesome they were. But in true Royals fashion, they lost 7 of their next 9 games, and if the season ended today, they would miss the postseason again. Oh, and Ned Yost blows…

15. Pittsburgh Pirates

People who are comparing Gregory Polanco to Roberto Clemente are fucking retarded, but the Buccos have won 12 of the 19 games he has played in…

16. New York Yankees

The Yankees are old. Mark Teixeira, Derek Jeter, Carlos Beltran, and Brian McCann are making more than $67 million combined this year, but they’re hitting a combined .240…

17. Cleveland Indians

Watching the Indians this year is a lot like dating bipolar broad. They’re shitty. No wait, they’re good. Aw, they’re shitty again. After winning 9 of 10 games in late May and early June, the Tribe has been scuffling. They’ve only gotten one hit in each of their last two games…

18. Miami Marlins

If you would have told me before the season started that the Marlins would win 39 games all year, I would have seriously considered betting against them. Despite losing Jose Fernandez for the rest of the season, the Marlins have held their own and are just 5 1/2 games out of first place in the NL East…

19. Chicago White Sox

Cuban sensation Jose Abreu hits balls harder than turd Chris Brown hits skanks who go through his cell phone without asking him. His 25 home runs are tied for the most in all of baseball, but the rest of his team is dog shit. That means Mandatory‘s Gary Dudak should plan on sending me a Fresh Brothers pizza when the season ends on September 28th, as there is no way this team wins more games than the Brewers…

20. Boston Red Sox

Last year’s world champs are having a tough go of it this season. After leading all of baseball in runs scored a year ago, the impotent Red Sox offense ranks 26th in the same category this year. Tom Brady takes his first regular season snap in 69 (haha) days, though…

21. Minnesota Twins

They say that pitching wins championships, and if we had to say Washington’s pitching staff is like Kate Upton, then Minnesota’s staff is like this troll:

22. Texas Rangers

We’ve never seen a team decimated by injuries like the Rangers have been this year. This is what their DL sitch looks like right now:

23. New York Mets

The most surprising thing about the Mets this year is that they’re not in last place yet…

24. Philadelphia Phillies

The most surprising thing about the Phillies this year is that they’re still worse than the Mets…

25. Colorado Rockies

On May 20, the Rockies were 26-20. Since then, they have lost 27 of 37 games, and they now own the same shitty record as the Padres despite the fact that they have scored 173 more runs than them…

26. San Diego Padres

Even more amazing than the fact that the Padres’ .210 batting average is dangerously close to the worst mark ever (.207 by the 1888 Washington Nationals) is the fact that they have won two games this year in which they have only gotten one goddamn hit

27. Chicago Cubs

Wait til next year…

28. Houston Astros

The good news for Astros fans is that their team is on pace to lose less than 100 games for the first time since 2010. The bad news is that 92 losses is still a pretty shitty season…

29. Tampa Bay Rays

The good news for Tampa Bay Rays players is nobody is coming to the ballpark to see how shitty they’re playing…

30. Arizona Diamondbacks

Only one team has fewer quality starts than Arizona, but no team has fewer wins. Pure. Dog. Shit…

What do you think? Leave a comment or subscribe to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Image Description