Unacceptable Jerseys For True Baseball Fans – Volume 3

White Sox Rangers Baseball Fight

by Teddy Westside

As a grown man, there are very few times you can actually wear a jersey and not look like a total fucktard. I still don’t know why or how the act of dressing up like someone else is acceptable for sports fans, but those same meathead jock asswipes degrade people like this for dressing up like their favorite person…

My point, quickly, is that I don’t find dressing up to be a bad thing. I also do not find loving Star Wars or any other ‘nerdy’ thing bad. There is, however, a time and a place for everything. These people aren’t going out to their 9-to-5 jobs dressed as a fucking wookie or dragon or Pokemon master, and neither should you in your jersey. There is pretty much one acceptable place for a grown person to wear a jersey…you guessed it…at a fucking game!

So, here are some jerseys you can wear when in Minnesota…

Minnesota Twins

Acceptable: Joe Mauer, Joe Nathan, Kent Hrbek, Harmon Killebrew, Rod Carew, Tony Oliva, Jim Kaat, Bert Blyleven, Frank Viola, Johan Santana, Jack Morris, Brad Radke, Rusty Kuntz**, Justin Morneau, Everyday Eddie Guardado, Paul Molitor, and obviously Kirby Puckett…

Unacceptable: Francisco Liriano, Billy Beane, Jayson Tyner, Jason Bartlett, Chuck Knoblauch, Carlos Gomez, AJ Pierzinski*, Boof Bonser, Phillip Humber, Kevin Mulvey…

Discussion: The notables are all there. The Twins have a number of Hall of Fame players and people like Puckett and Carew were of the first ballot variety. You also have current TV analyst Bert Blyleven as a last ballot candidate. The team has a ton of history, so it really does come as no surprise that they would have a number of notable jerseys to choose from.

However, the team has also had a shit ton of shit bags too. Remember back in the day when Ozzie Guillen called the bottom of the order “piranhas?” Well, that became quite a thing back then, but if you went out and bought yourself a Tyner or Bartlett jersey, go jump off a cliff. The Twins have made two rather large trades in their existence as well. One of the best trades in MLB history, and one of the worst. In both cases, there are acceptable jerseys to wear (That of Santana and Nathan) and unacceptable jerseys to wear (that of Pierzinski, Bonser, and anyone in the Santana trade). You think Chuck should have made the list? Dude was a Rookie of the Year and won a ring…well, Chuck Nah-Brah…you go to the Yankees, you get ostracized.

*It is funny to note that this is the second time A.J. has shown up on this list as unacceptable. We agree with Mr. Valley when we say this dude is a total fuck.

**If you can find a Rusty Kuntz Twins jersey, by all means strap that to your fat ass Midwestern back and roll with it.

If you stick to the legends of Twins Territory and stick with the cool alternate colors (the powder blue old-time jerseys or the current dark blues) you’ll be just fine. Bonus points if you find this shirt. It might not be a ‘jersey,’ but if it is worn to the park, most Twins fans will understand:

Kansas City Royals

Acceptable: George Brett, James Shields, Yordano Ventura, Salvador Perez, Alex Gordon, Billy Butler, Bret Saberhagen, Dan Quisenberry, Bo Jackson, Frank White, Hal McRae, Kevin Appier (but only in 2XL, I mean, have you seen his fat ass lately?)…

Unacceptable: Pretty much anyone else…

Discussion: I cutting a lot of slack here with Ventura and Perez jerseys. I am hoping these two can actually grow into superstars, but who the fuck really knows? Ventura passes the eye test and certainly looks like he could be peeling Gimler’s sister’s panties in a few years, but not quite yet. James Shields was one I really hesitated on, but if you look at that guys track record, I think it’s OK to wear his name. Guy has had no less than 11 wins and no less than 203 innings pitched for the past SEVEN YEARS. I am not saying that is flawless or he is a superstar, but he has earned his jerseys. Alex Gordon and Billy Butler get nods because what other fucking jersey are you going to get if you are a Royals fan? If you are physically fit, wear Gordon. If you are a little bigger or just a fat slob, wear Butler or Appier. And then, of course, there is George Brett. You don’t even need to be a Royals fan to appreciate this fucker. MVP, 13-time All Star, career .305 hitter in his TWENTY ONE (21!!) year career and inducted into the Hall of Fame almost unanimously in 1999. You can also add brilliant story teller and pants shitter. Just listen to him spin this beautiful tale about shitting his own pants as the other players try to get away from him…and then switch gears to find out who is pitching in tonight’s ball game:

How can you not love baseball?

Texas Rangers

Acceptable: Nolan Ryan, Michael Young, Rusty Greer, Frank Howard, Yu Darvish, Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez, Kenny “The Gambler” Rogers, Ron Washington, Elvis Andrus, Adrian Beltre, Charlie Hough, Shin-Soo Choo

Unacceptable: Prince Fielder, Josh Hamilton, Kevin Millwood, John Rocker, Chan Ho Park, Neftali Feliz

Discussion: The names at the top on the acceptable side come as no surprise. I would never leave Mr. Ryan off the list lest he beat the shit out of me like Robin Ventura. Darvish, Andrus and Choo are current studs. Beltre is funny as shit…google “touching Beltre’s head.” The top results will be about Adrian Beltre and this weird thing he has about people touching his head. If you are a degenerate, scroll lower for some nasty porn options. Pudge and the Gambler get nods for sweet nicknames and Ron Washington probably doesn’t even have a jersey, but I love that dude and could listen to him talk about sports and baseball for hours…after he snorts some more coke, of course.

It’s pretty easy to see the theme established on the other side of the list: either bust city (Fielder, Feliz, Millwood, Park), leaves for money and rivals (Hamilton), or is just a homophobic and racist asslick John Rocker. I can’t say he is necessarily WRONG with his breakdown of New York City…but you can’t say that shit in public Mr. Rocker…especially when playing sports alongside black and Hispanic men. That dude should have gotten his ass kicked a long time ago. Anyway, if you have a Hamilton jersey and you are unsure what to do with it, try this:

That will do it for me. Check out some baseball over the long break and tune into the NHL playoffs as they’re kind of starting to heat up. Later bitches…

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