Time To Throw Your Fat Fuck Kid’s College Fund On These NFL Teams To Make The Playoffs

falcons

by Tommy Gimler

An oddsmaking firm in Nevada called CG Technology has given everybody here at The DUD massive erections after releasing playoff odds for the upcoming NFL season. Only 21 teams received playoff odds, meaning it could be a long fucking year for fans in Buffalo, Oakland, and Cleveland.

Dreamy Tom Brady and the New England Patriots are the biggest favorites to make it to the postseason at -440 with the Denver Broncos sniffing their asses not too far behind at -400. But what fun is it to risk $440 to win $100 when there are so many better plays available? Here’s what we’re willing to throw grandma’s funeral fund on as well as the entire list of current 2014 NFL playoff odds…

Atlanta Falcons – YES +220

Let’s be honest. The injury bug hit Atlanta harder last year than a random skank who just got busted going through Chris Brown’s text messages. Roddy White was never 100 percent, and Julio Jones didn’t play a game after Week 5. Steven Jackson was a worthless turd for the most part, and losing Sean Witherspoon for the majority of the season was a huge blow. Expecting all of them to stay healthy in 2014 and combining it with the fact that Atlanta’s schedule is about as hard as a vegan’s dick, we’re all over the Falcons in 2014 like a fat kid on a birthday cake that isn’t even his…

Philadelphia Eagles – YES -110

The Eagles are far and away the best team in the NFC East. Dallas is almost as dysfunctional as a kid with Asperger’s waiting in line at Six Flags Magic Mountain, Eli Manning throws more completions to opposing defenses than his own team, and the Washington Redskins, well, hahaha. While even my mom knows how potent Chip Kelly’s offense is on a weekly basis, the Eagles defense is no slouch either. Last year’s unit was 10th-best against the rush, and their 23.9 PPG put them right in the middle of the pack. With six games against their pig shit division, the Eagles might clinch a playoff berth by late November…

Carolina Panthers – NO -280

The Panthers don’t have a schedule this time around that’s easier than an East Coast broad if you tell her you drive a BMW. The heart of their schedule features an eight-game stretch with games against Baltimore, Chicago, Cincinnati, Green Bay, Seattle, New Orleans, Philadelphia, and Atlanta. We expect Cam to be pouting at the podium on a weekly basis by the beginning of October…

Here’s the full list of all 21 teams that were given playoff odds by CG Technology, which we copied and pasted from ProFootballTalk:

AFC East
New England Patriots: Yes: -440. No: +340. (Suggested playoff odds: 81.5 percent).
Miami Dolphins: Yes: +300. No: -400. (Suggested playoff odds: 25.0 percent).

AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers: Yes: +120. No: -150. (Suggested playoff odds: 45.5 percent).
Cincinnati Bengals: Yes: +135. No: -165. (Suggested playoff odds: 42.6 percent).
Baltimore Ravens: Yes: +160. No: -190. (Suggested playoff odds: 38.5 percent).

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts: Yes: -175. No: +145. (Suggested playoff odds: 63.6 percent).
Houston Texans: Yes: +225. No: -275. (Suggested playoff odds: 30.8 percent).

AFC West
Denver Broncos: Yes: -400. No: +300. (Suggested playoff odds: 80.0 percent).
Kansas City Chiefs: Yes: +350. No: -550. (Suggested playoff odds: 22.2 percent).
San Diego Chargers: Yes: +350. No: -500. (Suggested playoff odds: 22.2 percent).

NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles: Yes: -110. No: -120. (Suggested playoff odds: 52.4 percent).
Dallas Cowboys: Yes: +240. No: -300. (Suggested playoff odds: 29.4 percent).
New York Giants: Yes: +240. No: -300. (Suggested playoff odds: 29.4 percent).

NFC North
Green Bay Packers: Yes: -170. No: +140. (Suggested playoff odds: 63.0 percent).
Chicago Bears: Yes: +250. No: -320. (Suggested playoff odds: 28.6 percent).
Detroit Lions: Yes: +250. No: -320. (Suggested playoff odds: 28.6 percent).

NFC South
New Orleans Saints: Yes: -145. No: -105. (Suggested playoff odds: 59.2 percent).
Atlanta Falcons: Yes: +220. No: -270. (Suggested playoff odds: 31.3 percent).
Carolina Panthers: Yes: +230. No: -280. (Suggested playoff odds: 30.3 percent).

NFC West
Seattle Seahawks: Yes: -250. No: +200. (Suggested playoff odds: 71.4 percent).
San Francisco 49ers: Yes: -210. No: +175. (Suggested playoff odds: 67.7 percent).

Good luck, degenerates…

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