ESPN’s Bradford Doolittle Said The 2014 NBA Finals Would Be The Best Ever. He Was Fucking Wrong, Brah

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by Tommy Gimler

Usually Mel Kiper’s dog shit analysis alone is enough to question why in the hell I drop three bucks a month on being an ESPN INsider instead of using the cash for a gum job from a homeless broad under an I-5 overpass. But it looks like Bradford Doolittle saw Kiper’s bag of shit and raised him one.

Ten days ago, Doolittle wrote an article about the 2014 NBA Finals that was only available to INsiders, which was a good thing for him since it meant the majority of turds who visit the four-letter’s website everyday didn’t get a chance to see it. In the post, Doolittle sited several historical factors that led him to believe this would be the best Finals ever, even better than the 1987 Celtics-Lakers series.

Well, just like a dude fingering his cousin during Christmas Mass, Doolittle was wrong.

According to Doolittle, this was going to be the best NBA Finals because it was a clash of the titans, there was playoff familiarity, there were two great coaches, and there were historically elite players. He also added that it was a can’t miss because this year’s Finals featured the best player in LeBron James, it was a rematch, and it was a clash of philosophies.

No mention of Kawhi Leonard being the best player on the court. No mention of Boris Diaw starting (what the fuck was that all about?). No mention of San Antonio outscoring Miami by 70 points in the series, the largest point differential in NBA Finals history. And definitely no mention of Manu Ginobili dunking.

Just “this is going to be the best Finals ever because LeBron James is on the court.”

It wasn’t even close to being the best NBA Finals ever. In actuality, it wound up being the most lopsided Finals since the Los Angeles Lakers curb stomped the Orlando Magic in 2009, and it just goes to show that you’ll come away with just as much insight from reading your six-year-old nephew’s three sentences on why his favorite crayon is sea green than you will by reading anything from an ESPN INsider…

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