When Greg Hardy Threw His Girlfriend Onto His Stash Of Guns, It Probably Threw Your Fat Ass To The Top Of Your Athletes Getting Arrested Fantasy League

Greg-Hardy mugshot

by Tommy Gimler

Pacman Jones must be locked in a basement somewhere because the NFL offseason in terms of players getting arrested has been extremely quiet. Well, at least it had been. Thanks to Carolina Panthers defensive end Greg Hardy allegedly throwing his girlfriend onto a pile of guns, things have picked up rather nicely, and it’s time to check in on what effect this will have on your Current Athletes Getting Arrested (CAGA) Fantasy League.

There are conflicting reports of exactly what happened during an argument between Hardy and his girlfriend Nicole Holder at his condo early Tuesday morning. Holder says that Hardy physically assaulted and threatened her. A 911 recording reveals pretty much the exact opposite. But it’s a hell of a story, one that involves punches, guns, and you guessed it: Nelly.

Here’s how you score this puppy:

Your athlete, in this case Greg Hardy, got arrested: 1 point

He’s a minority: minus 1 point

Shock Value – Speeding tickets and window-tinting violations are crimes that pussies brag about, but this is the first time Hardy has been accused of anything serious: 3 points

The incident took place at 4:18am: minus 2 points for stupidity. Go to bed…

“Thug-O-Meter” (how gangster was the crime) – Allegedly hitting your girlfriend, and not in the “hitting them skins” kind of way. Let’s be honest. It’s about as gangster as spelling “gangster” with the “er” at the end of it: minus 2 points

However, she was allegedly thrown down on a stockpile of assault weapons and/or shotguns, with Hardy bragging about how they were loaded. Now that’s fucking gangsta: 3 points

Holder says that Hardy was pissed at her because of her relationship with Nelly. It’s 14 years too late for that to be cool: minus 1 point

Didn’t know Nelly was a part-owner of the Charlotte Bobcats: 2 points

Then again, it’s the Charlotte Bobcats: minus 1 point

Holder’s story might be bull shit because Hardy was smart enough to call 911 while she was losing her shit, and it kind of sounds like she’s the aggressor, bro: 2 points for a case of the smarts, yo

“Asshole Level” (Level 1 being Gandhi and Level 5 Jeffrey Dahmer) – There are very few situations where we would condone hitting a female, and this isn’t one of them. But hey, at least he didn’t eat her = Level 2 Asshole: 2 points

Weapon(s) used – poor judgement, a futon full of guns, and fists: 2 points for variety

You’re an NFL player and you own a futon. Broke college kids own futons: minus 1 point

Total Points For Greg Hardy allegedly throwing Nicole Holder down on his pile of loaded guns: 7 points

The DUD Analysis

Solid effort for a first timer. Be sure to keep Hardy in your starting lineup, as everybody knows that any man with a bunch of loaded assault weapons just laying out on his futon is eventually going to go for double digits in your CAGA Fantasy League…

 

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