Unacceptable Jerseys For True Baseball Fans

casey mcgehee

by Tommy Gimler

I actually paid for tickets to a Brewers-Pirates game last week, and I almost puked while tailgating with my old man in the Gorman Thomas section of the parking lot. Only this time it wasn’t because of the extremely high rate of obese broads with facial hair scarfing down overcooked Usinger sausages. No, this time it was because some sick fuck was sporting a Casey McGehee Brewers jersey.

That got us thinking, what jerseys of your team’s former players are acceptable and which ones aren’t?

Detroit Tigers

Acceptable: Ty Cobb, Hal Newhouser, Hank Greenberg, Al Kaline, Alan Trammell, Kirk Gibson, that drunk Lou Whitaker, Darrell Evans, Jack Morris, Lance Parrish, Bobby Higginson

Unacceptable: Rob Deer, Jacque Jones, Brian Moehler, Freddy Garcia, Brandon Inge, Brennan Boesch, Prince Fielder

Discussion: There are the obvious greats in Cobb, Newhouser, and Kaline, but really anybody from that 1984 World Series winning squad would be acceptable. Bobby Higginson never really blossomed into the stud he was advertised to be, but he did spend all of 11 big league seasons with the Tigers, and there’s something to be said about that. On the other hand, you can give that authentic Prince Fielder jersey to the crackhead under the I-94 overpass, or since houses in Detroit are going for about 22 bucks these days, you might be able to trade it for a new home. And there would never be an acceptable situation for wearing a Freddy Garcia Detroit Tigers jersey unless you’re about to move back into your parents’ basement. At least at that point, you’ll let them know that you understand just how big of a fucking loser you are…

Cleveland Indians

Acceptable: Tris Speaker, Nap LaJoie, Kenny Lofton, either Alomar, Jim Thome, Omar Vizquel, Joe Sewell, Earl Averill, Cory Snyder, Bob Feller, Mel Harder, Bob Lemon, Addie Joss, Joe Carter, Grady Sizemore, Rick Vaughn

Unacceptable: Otis Nixon, Manny Ramirez, Jose Mesa, Joey Belle, Albert Belle, Tim Crews, Carlos Baerga, Matt LaPorta, Kerry Wood, Casey Kotchman, Johnny Damon, Jack Parkman

Discussion: Once again, you can’t go wrong wearing a jersey that bears the name of one of the greats like Feller, Speaker, and Lajoie. Vizquel will eventually go down as one of the three greatest defensive shortstops to ever play the game, and Cory Snyder was the best player on some pig shit awful Cleveland teams. On the other hand, unless you’re a 37-year-old virgin and want everybody in Cleveland to know as much, sporting a Casey Kotchman jersey would be frowned upon. Otis Nixon did the majority of his base swiping and blow for other ball clubs, Manny Ramirez was/still is a turd in every sense of the word, and Johnny Damon’s one year in Cleveland was just like a comb over in that it was a sad, pathetic end to what was once a pretty decent career. In the case of Tim Crews, we wouldn’t be caught, well, dead wearing the jersey of a guy who killed himself and his teammate after crashing a boat into a pier. And most Tribe fans will tell you about the time their team would have been World Series champions if that worthless bag of shit Jose Mesa would have just done his fucking job…

Chicago White Sox

Acceptable: Frank Thomas, Harold Baines, Luke Appling, Nellie Fox, Eddie Collins, Ozzie Guillen, Mark Buehrle, Bobby Thigpen, Carlton Fisk, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Jack McDowell, Dick Allen, Ron Kittle

Unacceptable: Bo Jackson, Shingo Takatsu, Albert Belle, Nick Swisher, Jaime Navarro, George Bell, Kenny Lofton, Bartolo Colon, Freddy Garcia, Carl Everett, Juan Pierre, Ron Santo, Ron Karkovice, Alex Rios, Jake Peavy, Ken Griffey Jr.

Discussion: As a staple at shortstop for so many years and the manager of the first World Series winning squad on the South Side since 1917, wearing an Ozzie Guillen jersey will be acceptable for years to come. Frank Thomas won back-to-back MVPs in the 90′s and still leads the team in career home runs while wearing a White Sox jersey. Carlton Fisk and Mark Buerhle were both fan favorites while they played in Chicago, and even though he was banned from the game after the 1919 season, Shoeless Joe Jackson was considered by his peers to be the purest hitter they had ever seen. Plus, most people would agree that Jackson had nothing to do with throwing the World Series that year and only signed a paper saying he did because the dude couldn’t read. Hahaha.

On the other hand, the only Bo Jackson jersey that is acceptable to be seen in public with is the one with Royals across the front of it, as most people don’t remember he was even on White Sox. Ron Karkovice is the epitome of non-athletes being able to make a career out of the game of baseball. I mean, who OK’s a baseball card with a picture of himself on the bullpen phone? Shit, if I didn’t know who he was, I would have assumed he was either the manager or pitching coach. The rest of the guys on that list signify that, for the most part, taking your services to the South Side is pretty much a sign that you are going to become a fucking loser. We think Jack Parkman, who ironically said this before he became a loser with the White Sox, summed it up best:

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2 Responses to Unacceptable Jerseys For True Baseball Fans

  1. Nacho dan says:

    How about a Michael Jordan jersey?

    • tgim says:

      We said that you actually had to make it to the Show for that jersey to be considered, but we like where your head’s at.

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