Breaking Down Six Of The Dorks In Your Fantasy Baseball League
by Sam Mark
Fantasy baseball is in full swing. And if you thought that pun was bad, I’m just getting started. As an avid fantasy baseball player, I’m always looking to make a hell of a catch on the waiver wire or make a killer steal with a sleeper pick. You’ve got to do the prep work on deck if you want to hit a home run. And something, something “grand slam.”
Tennessee Williams once wrote, “If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it.” If I’m going to be honest, I didn’t know how to write this opening without baseball puns. And if I’m going to be honest again, I didn’t know that quote until I had started writing this paragraph. And if I’m going to be honest again, I think I’ve spent more time researching about fantasy baseball than I have planning for my financial future. That’s about the saddest thing I’ve ever admitted.
But, in my defense, my research helped make a discovery. It wasn’t a winning formula, but a pattern among many of my leagues. Perhaps you’ve seen this same pattern. My friends and family inherently become one of these six types of fantasy baseball players types each year.
Every league has one. But you already knew that, because they’ve made every attempt to insult or complain every chance they can. “Since when are steals worth 3 points!?” Every year, dick. “Nice roster, idiot.” Thanks, dick. “My girlfriend could pick better teams than you dumbshits.” She’d have to get off her back first, dick. Luckily, the usually isn’t very successful in leagues; chalk it up to karma. Although, if the dick wins your league, may God have mercy on all of you…
Fresh meat. Easy kill. The newbie. Maybe they wanted to join because they’re trying to make their father proud of them. Perhaps they’re tired of having nothing to say at work when someone says, “Hell of a game last night.” Maybe they have a ridiculously bad gambling problem. Whatever the reason, the newbie joined and you’re glad they did. They give you a couple extra wins when your team seemed to be failing. They accept some lopsided trades because they’ve “heard of that guy” before. They make the most idiotic drops, because that player “had a bad week.” That doesn’t necessarily help you directly, but it helps the league and keeps the other 9 or 11 guys coming back next year, waiting for the next newbie…
The Super Fan
The Dog Shit Trader
They love to wheel and deal… the shittiest offers. They always target the newbie first. It’s understandable, but if the newbie bites, that can be devastating for the whole league. They never want to make it fair, they just want to receive 500% back from their deal. I wish you and your children well if the dog shit trader also happens to be the dick. That’s a dangerous combo…
The Roster Filler
Hopefully, your league has a capable commissioner and helps avoid or manage these fantasy player types. The most important detail to keep in mind: If you can’t identify one of these fantasy player types in your league, chances are it’s because you’re it…