Breaking Down Six Of The Dorks In Your Fantasy Baseball League

fantasy baseball dork

by Sam Mark

Fantasy baseball is in full swing.  And if you thought that pun was bad, I’m just getting started.  As an avid fantasy baseball player, I’m always looking to make a hell of a catch on the waiver wire or make a killer steal with a sleeper pick. You’ve got to do the prep work on deck if you want to hit a home run.  And something, something “grand slam.”

Tennessee Williams once wrote, “If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it.”  If I’m going to be honest, I didn’t know how to write this opening without baseball puns. And if I’m going to be honest again, I didn’t know that quote until I had started writing this paragraph.  And if I’m going to be honest again, I think I’ve spent more time researching about fantasy baseball than I have planning for my financial future.  That’s about the saddest thing I’ve ever admitted.

But, in my defense, my research helped make a discovery.  It wasn’t a winning formula, but a pattern among many of my leagues.  Perhaps you’ve seen this same pattern.  My friends and family inherently become one of these six types of fantasy baseball players types each year.

The Dick

Every league has one.  But you already knew that, because they’ve made every attempt to insult or complain every chance they can.  “Since when are steals worth 3 points!?”  Every year, dick.  “Nice roster, idiot.”  Thanks, dick.  “My girlfriend could pick better teams than you dumbshits.” She’d have to get off her back first, dick.  Luckily, the usually isn’t very successful in leagues; chalk it up to karma.  Although, if the dick wins your league, may God have mercy on all of you…

The Newbie

Fresh meat.  Easy kill.  The newbie.  Maybe they wanted to join because they’re trying to make their father proud of them.  Perhaps they’re tired of having nothing to say at work when someone says, “Hell of a game last night.”  Maybe they have a ridiculously bad gambling problem.  Whatever the reason, the newbie joined and you’re glad they did.  They give you a couple extra wins when your team seemed to be failing.  They accept some lopsided trades because they’ve “heard of that guy” before.  They make the most idiotic drops, because that player “had a bad week.”  That doesn’t necessarily help you directly, but it helps the league and keeps the other 9 or 11 guys coming back next year, waiting for the next newbie…

The Super Fan

They arrive to your draft in ALL of their team apparel, sporting a team apparel koozie around a team apparel mug that they pulled out of a team apparel cooler tote.  Their entire first 11 picks is their favorite team’s roster.  And they don’t care if you give them shit, because they’re only watching their team play and now have two reasons to cheer for them.  That’s team devotion…

The Dog Shit Trader

They love to wheel and deal… the shittiest offers.  They always target the newbie first.  It’s understandable, but if the newbie bites, that can be devastating for the whole league.  They never want to make it fair, they just want to receive 500% back from their deal.  I wish you and your children well if the dog shit trader also happens to be the dick.  That’s a dangerous combo…

The Statistician

They won’t stop boasting about how they were a math minor in college.  We get it, dude.  You made a poor collegiate decision and now it’s never going to amount to anything other than you reminding us every time something math related comes up.  EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  However, don’t underestimate them in a roto league.  At the start of the season, they might be in the lower ranks, but because they were paying attention in stats class while you were looking for the classroom, they’ll start making changes and pickups that seem weird at first until they’re climbing the standings.  Come midseason, you find yourself wishing you’d been a bachelor of science by the time they’ve edged you out.  They are the Sultans of Stats; the Colossuses of Calc; the Graph Bambinos.

The Roster Filler

How much fun was it encouraging that Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in years to join your league?  You promised them that it’s not a lot of money to buy in, the guys are super cool, and remember how much fun T-Ball was?  If you’ve ever been a commissioner for a league, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  However, once you’ve suckered them in, you’ve realized you’ve just gambled the sanctity of your league on them.  This kind of person starts off as a roster filler, but could morph into any other of the listed types in this article.  They could be a dog shit trading statistician dick, if you’re not careful.

Hopefully, your league has a capable commissioner and helps avoid or manage these fantasy player types. The most important detail to keep in mind: If you can’t identify one of these fantasy player types in your league, chances are it’s because you’re it…


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One Response to Breaking Down Six Of The Dorks In Your Fantasy Baseball League

  1. Adam B says:

    It is my duty to point out that Sam Mark was a math minor in college. We get it, dude.

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