Why The Final Four’s Worst Commercial Might Be The Best

Chris Webber Burger King Commercial

by Andy Ostroff

Let’s take a timeout and look at the Chris Webber Burger King commercial. Yes, I wanted to get that lame pun out of the way.

In 2013, Chris Webber was allowed to reassociate himself with The University of Michigan. In March of 2014, he is wearing a shitty knock off Wolverines jersey that probably wouldn’t even sell at Ross Dress For Less (because it doesn’t say Michigan on the front of it) to promote a Burger King 2 sandwiches for $5 deal:

Let’s talk really quickly why this is the worst commercial on TV during the tourney:

First and foremost: Air quotes! Using air quotes makes you look like a dick. Especially when the person you’re intending to show the air quotes has his back turned to you. Your sarcastic tone should be enough, but you have to make sure that just in case someone is looking they know immediately that you’re an asshole. Does this jerk uses air quotes while talking on the telephone? How did he get invited to this party in the first place?

Fortunately for the point of this commercial, this jackass is able to solve the mystery of “Encyclopedia Brown and the Maize and Blue Number Four Jersey with Webber Written on the Back” and realize it was Chris Webber who wore it. But then, when he finds out that it actually is Chris Webber at the party wearing his own jersey like some alcoholic townie reliving his glory days at your former high school’s football games, he screams like a little girl. Does he scream whenever he’s surprised, or was Chris Webber his favorite player ever? Probably the former, as if your favorite player were at a your friend’s house wearing his old jersey you would probably know before you even got there. This leads me to assume there is no way in hell this guy got invited to this party, as his own mother probably can’t bear the idea of hanging out with him. Plus, he didn’t even bring enough Burger King to share with everyone.

Chris Webber picks up on this immediately and is like “What’s with the BK, nerd?” and he should have just taken the dudes sandwiches and ending the commercial. However, this half man had the audacity to unnaturally hold up the bag next to his head and ask to make a deal.

Apparently for the price of a Big King sandwich, Chris Webber won’t just switch seats with you but he will carry you and allow you to rub your genitals on the back of his neck, which probably wasn’t the former Fab Fiver’s idea…he just really wanted that sandwich!

Unfortunately, the commercial ends there and there wasn’t a ceiling fan above #4 decapitating the party crasher and covering the jersey with blood to make it unrecognizable. Because in reality, what former sports hero wears their old jersey when they are not at a convention signing autographs for $20 a piece?

However, there is silver lining in this commercial. Chris Webber is using his success and notoriety from playing at Michigan to make way more money now than he did when he went there.  I remember the Fab Five despite the fact that Michigan pretends he never attended their university.  The jersey he is wearing doesn’t even say Michigan on it, but we all know it wasn’t some other school with the same exact color scheme. He did go there, and may have been their best player ever. But he took money and the university did not do a good enough job covering it up.  Because, let’s be honest, they knew everything that was happening. In turn, they punished him far worse than he deserved in an effort to make themselves look better.

Now that the disassociation part of his “punishment” (I just wanted the opportunity to use air quotes) is over he can take their jersey to create bullshit commercials making the school look pretty dumb. Hopefully he’s already in negotiations to advertise for companies that make malt liquor and e-cigarettes.  Maybe that same guy can sit on Chris Webber’s shoulders while he vapors? Hail to the pyrrhic victors!

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