Sunday Night Funnies

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by Tommy Gimler

Our new DUD series Sunday Night Funnies debuts with five short shots at some of the haps of a wild sports weekend, and it’s awesome, brah. We’ll even go as far to say it’ll be funnier than Schindler’s List, and that’s a fucking guarantee…

Mr. Hustle Bryce Harper Benched For Not Hustling

The best way to describe how Bryce Harper plays the game of baseball is probably “harder than a priest’s cock at Toys “R” Us.” So, when buffoon manager Matt Williams benched the Nationals’ best player on Saturday for not hustling after hitting a ground ball back to the pitcher, we considered it to be almost as ironic ordering a Diet Coke with your 20-piece McNuggets…

The Indiana Pacers Are In Almost As Much Trouble As A Car Full Of Minorities In Manhattan Beach, CA

To say the Pacers laid a turd Saturday in their loss to the Hawks is a bigger understatement than me saying I would like to split a pierogi with Kate Upton, as everybody knows I would eat a radish out of her asshole, and I hate radishes. They’re in trouble, brah. Roy Hibbert has only two double-digit rebound games since the All-Star break, and no matter which way you look at it, Larry Bird fucked up. Evan Turner looks like a D-League player at best since arriving in the Danny Granger trade, and the #1 seed in the Eastern Conference is just a game over .500 since he’s arrived…

What’s Better Than Playoff Hockey? You Guessed It: Overtime Playoff Hockey

Since beginning Wednesday evening, one-third of the NHL playoff games completed at press time have gone to overtime, including both games of the tits series between the Blues and Blackhawks. We’ve come to the conclusion that everything is better when it goes to overtime except Melissa McCarthy jogging in slo-mo. Thank Christ she probably hasn’t gone for a run since ’96…

The Crimson Tide Already Miss AJ McCarron

If Alabama can’t run the ball in 2014, it looks as though they might be as fucked as fat shit Latino kid forced to eat from a gluten-free menu for a week. In their annual spring game, McCarron’s possible successor Blake Sims was just 13 of 30 for for 178 yards with a tuddy and two picks, and he should have thrown a third. Odds are he’s never pulled out of chick as hot as Katherine Webb either…

Apparently Gregg Popovich Isn’t Always An Asshole

TNT analyst Craig Sager was diagnosed with leukemia this week, and we’re pretty sure there is nothing funny about that. So, his son Craig Jr. was roaming the sidelines in his place during today’s Mavericks-Spurs game. That meant the poor bastard was tasked with interviewing San Antonio head coach Gregg Popovich before the 4th quarter of a game that was tied at 65 at the time. Normally, sitting through an interview with “Pop” is almost as painful as getting a chopstick shoved up your peehole, but it seems as though he’s not always a heartless prick. Here’s what he had to say about the game and the elder Sager:

 

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