Kentucky Vs. Wisconsin: A Closer Look Off The Court

wisconsin kentucky

by Tommy Gimler

When the Kentucky Wildcats meet the Wisconsin Badgers at AT&T Stadium Saturday night, it will be a matchup of one school making their 16th trip to the Final Four against one making just their third. Kentucky has won eight national titles, including one as recently as 2012. Wisconsin has won just one national championship, and it’s not a coincidence that it came when black players were still barred from playing in the Big Ten.

It should be quite the battle on the court, with the experts in Vegas giving the Wildcats a slight point-and-a-half edge. But let’s examine how these two stack up off the court as well…

8th grade kids in Kentucky can read at a higher level than those in Wisconsin.

But just barely. According to The Nation’s Report Card, both states have kids that can read at an above-average level compared to the rest of the nation, and both blew away those idiots in Mississippi. Although, that would be like me bragging that I ran a mile faster than a paraplegic…

But you’re more likely to graduate high school in Wisconsin than in Kentucky.

According to the United Health Foundation, the national average in regards to percentage of incoming ninth graders who graduate in four years from high school with a regular degree is 78.2%. Kentucky is slightly above average at 79.9%, but those white kids in Wisconsin blow their fucking socks off with a graduation rate of 91.1%. In fact, only the dorks chugging syrup in Vermont had a higher percentage than those cheese-eating fat kids in Wisconsin…

You’re more than twice as likely to get syphilis in Kentucky than in Wisconsin.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 3.4 people out of 100,000 in the Bluegrass State have either primary or secondary syphilis compared to just 1.6 out of 100,000 in America’s Dairyland. You’re even more likely to get gonorrhea in Kentucky, where 98 out of every 100,000 have a burning sensation when they urinate compared to 82.4 per 100,000 in Wisconsin. Wrap it up, kids…

You’re more likely to get murdered in Kentucky than in Wisconsin.

According to the Death Penalty Information Center, 4.5 out of every 100,000 people were murdered in Kentucky in 2012 compared to just 3 per 100,000 in Wisconsin. The moral of the story? Stay the fuck out of Louisiana, where 10.8 out of 100,000 coonasses were murdered in 2012, and that was actually an improvement from the year before, mmm hmm…

You’re more likely to get raped in Kentucky than in Wisconsin.

But just barely. According to the FBI, there were approximately 1,272 forcible – as if there is any other kind - rapes in 2012 compared to 1,219 in Wisconsin. Per 100,000 women, that came out to 29 in Kentucky compared to 21.3 in Wisconsin. However, if you’ve been north of Stevens Point lately, you’ll understand why even sick fucks wouldn’t want to rape those chicks. And since most women’s arm wrestling champions seem to be truckers from Eau Claire, odds are guys are more likely to get raped than girls in that neck of the woods…

Your house isn’t worth shit in either state, but odds are you’re more likely to be able to afford a house in Kentucky than in Wisconsin.

According to StatisticBrain.com, the average price of a house in Wisconsin is $169,000, about half of what the average house in New York goes for. Meanwhile, the average price of a house in Kentucky is just $145,000, which would still get you a mansion in Michigan, where the average price of a house is a US-worst $114,000 or like seven euros…

Your stupid, lazy ass is more likely to be out of a job in Kentucky than in Wisconsin.

According to the US Department of Labor, the unemployment rate in February of this year in Wisconsin was 6.1, tied for 22nd-best in the country. Meanwhile, Kentucky’s unemployment rate came in at 7.8, good for fifth-worst in the nation. But in their defense, it’s so hard to find time to go to work when you’re having so much fun fucking your sister…

Surprisingly, you’re more likely to have a fat fuck kid in Kentucky than in Wisconsin.

More Skittles and Mountain Dew for the fat kid! According to the National Conference of State Legislatures, 16% of Kentucky’s children are considered to be overweight and 19% of those fat fuckers are considered obese. Meanwhile, 15.4% of Wisconsin’s kids are considered to be overweight with 13.4% of their fat asses considered obese…

The DUD Conclusion

Not exactly a ringing endorsement for either state, but based on the statistics we have been provided, you’re better off spending the majority of your life in Wisconsin instead of Kentucky. Then again, making somebody choose between the just those two states is like asking that person if they would rather have somebody jam a screwdriver up their peehole or live with polio…

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