In The DUGout: Cheer Up, Lakers Fans. It’s Almost Over…

lakers bad

special to the DUD from The Dug

Dear Laker Fans:

Since none of you have watched a game since they declared Kobe done for the year, you should know the worst season your team has had since it moved from The Land of 10,000 Lakes to The Golden State is almost over.

You have many promising things you can look forward to like finally not having to talk about Phil Jackson every day before you even mention anyone who is actually on the team. Instead, you can focus on your amazing coach, the statute of limitations running out on that grainy security camera footage of you throwing a brick at a pregnant Korean woman during the last championship riot, the timeless, subtle and often unnoticed dominance of Steve Nash, rubbing your hands together in a froth over a Carmelo rumor, and maybe even another arrogant 3-D animation of Kobe’s jersey flapping over smoke and a dark grey mountainous background with the date he thinks he will want to rejoin his team to continue collecting his deserved huge salary. Hey, if nothing else, look at it like this: at least there will still be NBA Playoffs in Los Angeles this year.

“Lights out” always looks so cool on TV and it really helped hide the empty seats down the stretch when Turner Sports, who foolishly bought and begrudgingly had to broadcast a quarter of your season, did everything they could to mask the deafening sound of the trumpeter in the Lakers band emptying his spit valve.

Next year will be much better because it cannot get much worse. If the NBA is rigged, because it surely was when the Chris Paul trade got nixed, then the purple and gold ball should pop up first in the NBA lottery, right? That only makes sense. Surely the Clippers will immediately go back to being the 4th best team in California next year and you can stay in your seats between quarters to watch a vignette of D’Antoni and Randy Newman cruising Imperial Highway in Ray Bans, telling the fans not to text and drive…

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