Five Things You’ll See For Sure During This Weekend’s NBA Playoffs


by Tommy Gimler

The NBA Playoffs are off to a pretty shocking start, almost as shocking the Buffalo Bills cheerleaders receiving instructions on how to clean out their hump holes. I mean, the Indiana Pacers are struggling against an Atlanta Hawks squad that struggled against pretty much the entire NBA during the regular season. At any rate, the NBA has our attention, and that’s saying something considering we’ve maintained from our inception that it’s a fixed league.

So yeah, we’re going to be watching this weekend, and here are five things we’re expecting will go down sometime between now and Sunday night:

1. Chris “Birdman” Andersen is going to get ejected midway through the fourth quarter of Saturday night’s Heat-Bobcats game for administering a beatdown on Josh McRoberts in a rare case of the “white on white” fistfight.

According to ESPN, LeBron and the rest of the Miami Heat players are “irked” by consistently being on the receiving end of hard fouls. And if there is anything we’ve learned about the Heat since LeBron has arrived, it’s that when LeBron isn’t happy, somebody who doesn’t matter goes in and takes care of business. In this case, the guy who doesn’t matter will be played by Chris Andersen…

2. The Portland Trailblazers will win one of their two games this weekend, but LaMarcus Aldridge will not score 40 points in either of them.

LaMarcus Aldridge broke the 40-point barrier just once during the regular season, but in two playoff games against Dwight Howard and the Rockets, Aldridge has gone for 46 and 43. If the Rockets are going to make this a series, they should probably do something about that. I mean, fuck holding him under 40. They need to keep him under 30. Houston took three of four from Portland during the regular season and held Aldridge below 30 points in all three wins…

3. The lowest-rated series of the weekend will be Toronto vs. Brooklyn.

Even if you can name three guys on the Raptors, you’re still going to watch a rerun of Robot Chicken before watching this shit…

4. Tony Allen will be in foul trouble against Kevin Durant on Saturday, and the Thunder will tie up the series at two.

Let’s be honest. Tony Allen has been the man so far defending Kevin Durant, forcing the future MVP into missing nineteen three-pointers in the first three games. If you’re the NBA, who do you want to see advance, Durant and Westbrook and company or Memphis? Odds are the NBA knows most people in America probably couldn’t even tell you what state Memphis is in. Just like in series past, watch for Allen to draw two quick fouls, and Durant to thrive as a result…

5. Derrick Rose will not play in either game this weekend.

No shit, right? Somebody should tell that to ESPN. According to their website, the key players for Game 3 in their mind seem to be John Wall and Rose, even though he hasn’t played since November…

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