Breaking News: Ryan Braun Busted For PEDs Again

ryan braun

by Tommy Gimler

Ryan Braun’s name has been scratched from Ron Roenicke’s lineup card for tonight’s game against the Atlanta Braves, and a source inside the Milwaukee Brewers organization told The Daily Upper Decker that Braun has also been suspended for the rest of the 2014 season after testing positive for Dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), a testicular hormone usually found in high concentrations of horse semen.

According to a source inside MLB who talked to us on the condition of anonymity because what he was doing was highly illegal, the amount of horse semen in Braun’s sample was three times that of the highest level ever recorded in another player. The previous record holder was former Angels and Orioles catcher Andy Etchebarren.

The Brewers outfielder served a 65-game suspension a year ago for his role in the Biogenesis scandal and was first attached to PEDs after reports of a failed drug test surfaced following his 2011 MVP season. But unlike the past, Braun isn’t denying that he knowingly ingested a high amount of horse cum this time around.

Here is his statement:

Now that the initial MLB investigation is over, I want to apologize for my actions and provide a more specific account of what I did and why I deserved to be suspended. I have no one to blame but myself.

Here is what happened. Shortly after arriving at Milwaukee’s spring training facility in Maryvale in March, Khris Davis asked me as well as Carlos Gomez and Jonathan Lucroy if we wanted to go horseback riding on our day off. I didn’t really want to go because I think riding horses is gay, almost as gay spelling Chris with a “k.” But as I’ve said before, I love the great game of baseball almost as much as I love my teammates, so I decided to go with.

About halfway through the trip, Gomez’s crazy ass pulled a bottle of Fireball out of his cargo shorts and said, “Hey Braunie. You want to hit this shit?” I initially declined, but Gomez kept riding me  pretty hard, calling me things in his native tongue that I think directly translated into “fucking pussy.” So, I decided to take a few pulls.

Well, a few pulls turned into pretty much downing the entire bottle, and by the time we returned the horses to the stable, I was shitfaced. And it wasn’t one of those “I don’t think I can drive” kind of drunk, but one of those “my buddies are going to dare me to swallow some horse semen and I’m probably going to do it” kind of drunk.

And sure as shit, Johnny Lucroy noticed the horse he was riding had a massive boner. At first, he was just fucking with Davis, saying things like, “Khris, I finally found a dick that’s bigger than yours.” You know, funny shit. But then he started getting mean. I had heard rumors that Luc was a bad drunk, but he was out of control and out of line when he grabbed my head and put it right next to this giant horse cock. So, he’s holding the back of my head with one hand and stroking the horse’s yogurt slinger with the other, and right before it came, Luc said, “Hey Braunie. I’ll give you five hundred bucks if you eat this horse’s cum. You know you want the money, you fucking Jew.”

And he was right. I did want the cash, but I did it more for the camaraderie of my fellow teammates. So, yeah. There it is. I swallowed horse cum, and I swallowed a lot of it. I have nobody to blame but myself, and I hope that everyone in the Brewers organization and the great fans of Milwaukee can forgive me.

Milwaukee is going with Logan Schafer in right field tonight, but GM Doug Melvin said that he’ll look at all available options except Rickie Weeks. Oh, and happy April Fools’ Day, you hookers…

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