Tips To Make Sure Your March Madness Bracket Doesn’t Get As Busted As Your Mom’s Hump Hole

march madness

by Frank Rhombus

We’ll take a year off of ripping Dick Vitale a new asshole, as he has correctly picked the national champion two years in a row now, and he even had Michigan making the Final Four a year ago. So, who is our new whipping boy this year? You guessed it: that sack of shit Digger Phelps.

Considered by some to be a college basketball guru, Phelps had Michigan State, Ohio State, Miami, and Georgetown (are you fucking kidding me?) making it to the final weekend last year. Only one of those teams made it to the Elite Eight. The year before, he again had Michigan State making the Final Four and winning it all, but the Spartans were bounced by Louisville in the Sweet Sixteen like a fat kid that was just hit by a pickup truck. And in 2011, his Final Four consisted of Duke, Kansas, Florida, and Ohio State, and once again, none of them made it to that final weekend.

But Phelps is obviously not alone when it comes to being a March Madness turd. My bracket a year ago wasn’t even good enough to be toilet paper for Precious’s fat ass. Thanks to Florida Gulf Coast University and Wichita State last year along with Butler in years past, filling out a bracket has become almost as hard finding a movie with Shia LaBeouf in it that doesn’t make me physically sick.

With that being said, he are a few tips that could potentially keep your brackets from becoming almost as busted as Steve Buscemi’s chompers:

1) In the last five years, at least one #3 seed or lower has made the Final Four. Last year, there were three of them: Michigan (4), Syracuse (4), and Wichita State (9).

2) But before you fill out your Final Four with American, Cal Poly, Tulsa, and North Carolina Central check this out:

The number of double-digit seeds to make it to the Sweet Sixteen in the last six years:

2007 – zero

2008 – three

2009 – one

2010 – three

2011 – four

2012 – three

2013 – three

But the number of those teams that have made the Final Four: one (VCU in ’11).

3) Jay Bilas and Hubert Davis at ESPN picked every single #1 seed to go to the Final Four two years ago. Seth Greenberg did the same thing last year. The last time that happened was 2008. Before that? Never. Ugly and stupid is no way to go through life, Seth…

4) In fact, in the last four tournaments, the most #1 seeds to make the Final Four is one. And in 2011, none of the #1′s made it…

5) Since 2007, twelve #11 seeds have won their opening round games. But of those teams, only four have advanced to the Sweet Sixteen…

6) Hey, picking upsets in your bracket is almost as much fun as punching your clown to broad-on-broad strap-on action, but since 2007, six of the seven national championships have been won by #1 seeds. Only Connecticut in 2011 broke through as a #3 seed…

7) The Big Ten has not won a national championship since 2000 (Michigan State)…

8 ) Seven of the last eight national champions also won their conference tournaments…

9) Only three #1 seeds have not made the Sweet Sixteen in the last nine years, and those turds from Gonzaga were one of those teams last year…

10) Finally, Dick Vitale is an annoying piece of pig shit. Check this out:

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