DUD MLB Preview: AL West Projected Standings


by Tommy Gimler

The Angels have really dicked us the last two years, but not as much as the injury bug has dicked the rest of the AL West this year. There isn’t enough coke in the world to bring Ron Washington’s pitching staff back to life, Oakland has lost two of their big arms for a while, and most of Seattle’s pitching staff was worthless even when they were healthy. And Houston, well, hahahaha. Houston…

1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (or whatever the hell they’re called these days)

Scoring runs wasn’t a problem for the 2013 Angels, and with a lineup that boasts the best player in baseball in Mike Trout, a healthy Albert Pujols, and a Josh Hamilton who is back to dipping, it’s not going to be an issue this year either. Jered Weaver, C.J. Wilson, Garrett Richards, Tyler Skaggs, and Hector Santiago were a decent starting staff heading into spring training, but given the injuries that have plagued the rest of the division, it might now be the best in the AL West. We think this is the year the Angels finally live up to their potential, and they better because if they don’t, Mike Scioscia’s fat ass is going to be out of a job…

Key acquisition(s): Hector Santiago, Tyler Skaggs, David Freese

Key departure(s): Mark Trumbo

2013 season: 78-84 (3rd, AL West)

2014 Predictions

Vegas: 87.5 wins (2nd, AL West)

The DUD: 89-73 (1st, AL West)

Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 86-76 (2nd, AL West)

FanGraphs.com: 85-77 (t-1st, AL West)

Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 3rd place, AL West


2. Oakland Athletics

For a team that literally dressed for their home games while standing in a river of piss and shit on a few occasions, the Athletics did pretty well for themselves in 2013. While they lost the oft-injured Brett Anderson and their roid rage closer Grant Balfour to free agency, Billy Beane brought in Scott Kazmir and Jim Johnson to make sure Oakland is primed for another first-round postseason exit. But with Jarrod Parker out for the entire year and A.J. Griffin expected to miss an extended period of time, even that might be too much to ask for in 2014…

Key acquisition(s): Scott Kazmir, Jim Johnson

Key departure(s): Brett Anderson, Grant Balfour

2013 season: 96-66 (1st, AL West)

2014 Predictions

Vegas: 89 wins (1st, AL West)

The DUD: 87-75 (2nd, AL West)

Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 90-72 (1st, AL West)

FanGraphs.com: 85-77 (t-1st, AL West)

Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 1st place, AL West


3. Texas Rangers

Shin-Soo Choo is going to thrive hitting in Rangers Ballpark, and Prince Fielder’s fat vegetarian ass is going to hit over forty home runs. But when your Opening Day starter is Tanner Fucking Scheppers, some clown who is making his first ever career start, you’re in deep shit. Manager Ron Washington loves his blow, but we’ll see whether or not he sticks with the newly acquired Joakim Soria as his closer when he blows his fifth game by May 24th. And speaking of worthless, how bad is Tommy Hanson if he couldn’t make this staff?

Key acquisition(s): Prince Fielder, Shin-Soo Choo, Joakim Soria

Key departure(s): Ian Kinsler, Joe Nathan

2013 season: 91-72 (2nd, AL West)

2014 Predictions

Vegas: 86.5 wins (3rd, AL West)

The DUD: 86-76 (3rd, AL West)

Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 85-77 (3rd, AL West)

FanGraphs.com: 85-77 (t-1st, AL West)

Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 2nd place, AL West


4. Seattle Mariners

To say the Seattle Mariners improved their roster in the offseason is a bigger understatement than me saying I would like to eat dinner with Kate Upton, as everybody knows that I would eat a Mounds Bar out of her asshole, and I hate coconuts. They’re easily going to win more than the 71 games they won a year ago, but their pitching staff is in almost as much trouble as Texas, and that’ll prevent them from being a major player this year. Number two starter Hisashi Iwakuma’s fingers hurt, so he’s starting the season on the DL, and that means King Felix’s back is going to hurt from carrying this team on his back again

Key acquisition(s): Robinson Cano, Fernando Rodney, Corey Hart, Logan Morrison

Key departure(s): None

2013 season: 71-91 (4th, AL West)

2014 Predictions

Vegas: 80.5 wins (4th, AL West)

The DUD: 79-83 (4th, AL West)

Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 78-84 (4th, AL West)

FanGraphs.com: 82-80 (4th, AL West)

Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 4th place, AL West


5. Houston Astros

There is nothing else we need to say about the 2014 Houston Astros other than this team fucking blows…

Key acquisition(s): Dexter Fowler, Scott Feldman, Jesse Crain

Key departure(s): They shipped out everybody with an ounce of talent while their dog shit season was still going on

2013 season: 51-111 (5th, AL West)

2014 Predictions

Vegas: 63.5 wins (5th, AL West)

The DUD: 63-99 (5th, AL West)

Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 68-94 (5th, AL West)

FanGraphs.com: 67-95 (5th, AL West)

Ben Berkon (Bleacher Report): 5th place, AL West

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