DUD MLB Preview: New York Yankees

tanaka-getty

by Tommy Gimler

You’re almost as bat shit crazy as Amanda Bynes if you think the New York Yankees are going to miss the postseason for a second consecutive year. Yup, just like that herpes sore slightly to the left of your peehole, the Evil Empire is back, baby.

Offense

With the exception of Brian Roberts at second base, you can make an argument that the Yankees have upgraded offensively or kept the status quo at every position. Mark Teixeira was about as worthless as Corey Feldman last year, but all reports out of spring training so far say the wrist is healthy, and this is a guy who hit at least 30 home runs and drove in at least 105 runs every year from 2004 to 2011. Old man Carlos Beltran has hit at least 20 home runs every season in which he has played at least 100 games since 2005.

The Yankees got about as much performance out of their catchers last year as my grandma, and she’s been dead for nine years. New York backstops hit just .213 with 8 home runs and 43 RBI a year ago. To say Brian McCann behind the plate is an upgrade is a bigger understatement than me saying I would eat yams out of Kate Upton’s asshole, and everybody knows how much I fucking hate yams.

Derek Jeter might run about as well as a fat kid hobbling down the stairs after the Skittles you just threw down them, but the duo of Jacoby Ellsbury and Brett Gardner on the base paths should scare the piss out of opposing catchers.

Pitching

Let’s face it. With the exception of Mariano Rivera and Hiroki Kiroda, the Yankees pitching staff a year ago was almost as gross as the fat Kardashian sister. Opposing batters hit .261 off of Yankees pitching last year, the sixth-highest mark in all of baseball. Both their starters and relievers ranked in the bottom half of baseball in ERA, and their 171 home runs allowed were the eighth-most in the bigs.

WE expect CC Sabathia to rebound from his pig shit 2013 season, and the addition of Masahiro Tanaka really gives the Yankees a decent starting four along with Kiroda and Ivan Nova. David Phelps is currently slated as the fifth starter, and that has us about as excited as finding out your 68-year-old mother picked up a case of syphilis last week. The Yanks could really use a boost in the form of the oft-injured and oft-drunk Michael Pineda staying healthy and regaining some part of his 2011 self.

The bullpen, without Mariano Rivera for the first time since the Clinton administration, is about as weak as an AIDS patient’s immune system. They’ll need to add an arm or two if they want win the division.

Key Acquisition(s): Brian McCann, Jacoby Ellsbury, Masahiro Tanaka

Key Departure(s): Robinson Cano, Mariano Rivera

Sexiness of Schedule: Playing against the loaded AL East blows, and with the exception of three against Kansas City, the entire month of September is against the division. If Kate Upton is a 10 and Precious is a 1, we’re giving the Yanks’ 2014 schedule a 2, or in other words, Kathy Bates.

Why They Will Win: Last year’s team sucked, like an “I just woke up to find I shit the entire bed and I don’t think I’m in my own house” kind of sucked, and Joe Girardi managed them to an 85-win season. Given the offensive weapons that the Yanks stockpiled in the offseason, there is no reason why this team can’t win 95 this year.

Why They Won’t Win: Well, except that bullpen fucking blows, bro.

2013 season: 85-77 (3rd, AL East)

2014 Predictions

Vegas: 85.5 wins (3rd, AL East)

The DUD: 95-67 (1st, AL East)

Clay Davenport (Baseball Prospectus): 85-77 (3rd, AL East)

FanGraphs.com: 83-79 (3rd, AL East)

Buster Olney (ESPN): 3rd place, AL East

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