Derek Jeter, Yankees And Genital Herpes Captain, Will Retire After The 2014 Season

derek jeter yeah jeets

by Tommy Gimler

Sad news out of the baseball world today, as Derek Jeter, our favorite player and arguably the face of baseball and genital herpes rumors for the last nineteen years, announced via Facebook that the 2014 MLB season will be his last.

Upon hearing the news, Commissioner Bud Selig released a statement in which he said the Yankees shortstop “represented all the best of the national pastime on and off the field. He is one of the most accomplished and memorable players of his — or any — era.”

On the field, Jeter has been a goddamn stud. For starters, there are the five World Series rings. His 3,316 hits are the most among any active player and the 10th-most of all-time. His 1,876 runs rank 2nd among active players and 13th all-time. He has been on base 4,527 times in his career, the 16th-highest total of all-time. His 1,854 runs created are the 30th-most of all-time, and his offensive WAR of 94.1 ranks 2nd among active players and 21st all-time.

But Jeter’s numbers were dwarfed by his ability to make that clutch play in the field or get that hit the Yankees needed when it mattered most. There was “The Flip” and the catch in foul territory that sent him falling into the stands that saved the Yankees’ asses in the 2001 postseason before they eventually bowed out to the Diamondbacks in the World Series. But if you’re that asshole who needs some numbers to back up just how good Jeter was in October, his .308 career postseason batting average, 200 hits, 302 total bases, and 111 runs should do the trick.

Off the field, to say Jeter has been a goddamn stud would be a bigger understatement than saying I would like to make out with Ina Meschik, as it should be known that I would eat beets out of her asshole, and I fucking hate beets.

How amazing is Derek Jeter off the field, you ask?

Jeter is so amazing that celebrities, models, and celebrity models continued to let the Yankees captain plow them even as rumors swirled on the world wide that he had genital herpes. Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Mariah Carey, and now the genie chick who was the sole reason I switched to DirecTV all told Jeter to do them even though they could/would eventually contract the disease. Seriously, be sure to Ranker.com, and you’ll see a list of 52 celebs who (probably) have herpes. You won’t even get halfway before realizing that Jeter is the Kevin Bacon of celebrity genital herpes.

Now that’s a goddamn stud if there ever was one…

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One Response to Derek Jeter, Yankees And Genital Herpes Captain, Will Retire After The 2014 Season

  1. Jason Smith says:

    I wish good ol’ Bud Selig would mention that in Jeters’ accomplishments. But then again, Selig probably got herpes from
    Jeter’s sloppy seconds.

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