Epic Fucking Collapse, Brah

colts comeback

by Frank Rhombus

It’s been over 40 hours, 40 Miller Lites in their sweet ass retro cans, and one bitch of a hangover since the second-largest comeback in NFL postseason history, and the Chiefs epic defeat at the hands of the Colts still stings like a chlamydia-laced piss. Well, or so I’ve heard. And I’m not even a Chiefs fan. I just kind of had money on them…

With a 28-point lead and less than 29 minutes left in their AFC Wild Card matchup with the Indianapolis Colts, it seemed as though the biggest concern on the minds of Kansas City Chiefs fans was whether or not stud running back Jamaal Charles was going to be cleared for next week’s game in Denver. Well, that and which Johnny’s Tavern skank they were drilling later Saturday night. But as the final seconds ticked off the clock courtesy of Cro-Magnon wizard Andrew Luck’s last kneel down, Chiefs fans and 57% of the betting public were left with one burning question:

How in the name of Andy Reid’s fat ass did Kansas City lose that game?

After all, they were still able to put up 44 points on the Colts after losing their best player on their first possession. And according to Bleacher Report, playoff teams sporting a 21-point lead at halftime were 46-1.

After reading through several other sports sites and attempting to listen to three minutes of worthless banter between ESPN’s resident retards Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless, it seems as though the Chiefs were the victims of a perfect storm of three things: injuries, luck, and Andrew Luck.

According to the guys at Deadspin, the Chiefs lost the game when they lost their top two running backs, number two receiver, best cornerback, and best pass rusher. And when they lost those guys:

Kansas City lost the ability to kill clock with any run-based drive, one of Smith’s better pass-catching options, legitimate coverage on Colts receiver T.Y. Hilton, and pressure on the flappable Andrew Luck. Those are a lot of roles to be filled in with bench players. It was simply unfortunate, and Indianapolis took advantage of a decimated roster.

According to Michael Smith of Numbers Never Lie, the Chiefs lost the game because Andrew Luck was historically amazing in the second half:

In the 2nd half Saturday, Andrew Luck went 8-9 passing more than 10 yards downfield. In the previous seven postseasons, no QB completed more than six passes of that distance in a 2nd half.

And according to the guys at Sports Grid, when Donald Brown’s fumble somehow ended up in Andrew Luck’s giant mitts after bouncing off of an offensive lineman’s dome, it was simply a matter of luck:

‘If I throw a spherical ball in the air, I know exactly where it’s going,’ says software engineer Ryan Morse. ‘If you throw a football in the air and it lands, it can go 30 different ways. ‘It’s more like 30 thousand. Or 30 billion,’ adds physicist Toan Pham.

Finally, ESPN’s Skip Bayless said:

Do I get to speak now? Because I’m going to speak for a couple of minutes here.

That’s as far as I got because I took it as a warning.

Was it one specific problem or one specific moment that doomed the Kansas City Chiefs on Saturday? Probably not. From what I saw and read in the aftermath of their epic 28-point collapse, a combination of injuries hindering the Chiefs’ running attack and causing their pass rush to dry up faster than Barbara Bush’s hump hole combined with Andrew Luck’s stellar second half play as well as one lucky bounce all helped the Indianapolis Colts pull off the improbable 45-44 victory, breaking the hearts of Chiefs fans everywhere as well as my fucking wallet…

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