by Tommy Gimler
Fantasy dorks needing an absolute miracle Sunday afternoon got just that if they fake owned Kansas City Chiefs running back/big dick player Jamaal Charles. And if your fake roster was matched up against him, well, then you’re staring down a big dick sandwich for real.
Charles scored a season-high five touchdowns for non-quarterbacks in Kansas City’s 56-31 ass pounding of Oakland to go along with his eight catches, 195 receiving yards, and 20 rushing yards. At the end of the day, that effort was worth between 55 and 56 points in most standard fantasy leagues, meaning (according to ESPN) it was the best point total fantasy dorks have seen since 2000. On top of that shit, Charles was the first non-quarterback since Denver’s Clinton Portis in 2003 to score five tuddies (according to RotoWorld).
Charles now has 18 touchdowns for the season, by far the most among non-quarterbacks, and just like our good buddy and fellow stud Tony Ferdinand, he has scored multiple times three of the last four weekends. And outside of Peyton Manning and Drew Brees (who was pure pig shit today, by the way), no other player has accumulated more fantasy points for their dork owners this year.
Well, we at the DUD have taken notice, and we can no longer ignore the obvious: Jamaal Charles can now plow my sister.
If you’re keeping score at home, that means the current top five looks something like this:
1. Mike Trout
2. Adrian Peterson
3. Bryce Harper
4. Jamaal Charles
5. Wil Myers
On the exact opposite side of things today was once again Eli Manning, who threw five interceptions in New York’s 23-0 loss to Seattle. He cannot plow my sister and instead will have to sit outside and watch…