The DUD NFL Midseason Report: NFC

pete carroll

by Tommy Gimler

You have to think every NFC East team knows that whoever makes it out of the division is going to get smoked in the first round of the playoffs…

NFC EAST

Current Standings                     On Pace For                 Vegas Said                    The DUD Said

1. Dallas Cowboys 5-4                   Dallas 9-7                         New York 9-7                   New York 10-6

2. Philadelphia Eagles 4-5           Philadelphia 7-9             Washington 8.5-7.5      Philadelphia 9-7

3. Washington Redskins 3-5       Washington 6-10           Dallas 8.5-7.5                  Washington 8-8

4. New York Giants 2-6                  New York 4-12                Philadelphia 7.5-8.5      Dallas 7-9

Midseason Analysis: Just like an unsuspecting group of freshman girls at an East Coast frat party, the NFC East is up for grabs. Well, except for the Giants. Finally, Cowboys fans can say their losses aren’t Tony Romo’s fault. Through nine games, Romolicious has thrown 20 touchdowns, the third highest total in the NFL. His quarterback rating of 100.0 is fifth best, as is his completion percentage of 66.2. More importantly, his six interceptions are tied for the fifth-fewest among quarterbacks with at least 250 attempts…

Biggest Surprise: Eli Manning throwing interceptions is about as much of a surprise as Anderson Cooper announcing he was queer, as he has thrown more picks than anybody else since, shit, any year you want to plug in the equation since he entered the league in 2004. Most picks since 2006? Eli Manning. Most picks since 2011? Eli Manning. Most picks this year? Eli Manning. But so many of his interceptions this year have been so far from their intended receivers that Archie has to be readying the paperwork for a name change. Even Geno Smith, Christian Ponder, Chad Henne, and Carson Palmer have higher quarterback ratings than Manning, and they fucking blow…

NFC NORTH

Current Standings               On Pace For              Vegas Said                   The DUD Said

1. Detroit Lions 5-3                   Detroit 10-6                  Green Bay 10.5-5.5       Green Bay 11-5

2. Chicago Bears 5-3                 Chicago 10-6                Chicago 8.5-7.5             Detroit 8-8

3. Green Bay Packers 5-3         Green Bay 10-6            Detroit 8-8                      Chicago 7-9

4. Minnesota Vikings 1-7        Minnesota 2-14            Minnesota 7.5-8.5       Minnesota 5-11

Midseason Analysis: This year’s NFC North is like a family with four kids, with three of those kids having a shot at doing whatever they set their minds to. They’re physically sound, everything is good upstairs, and it’s tough to say exactly which one is better than the next. But the fourth kid was a mistake. His mother didn’t even know she was pregnant with him until the fifth month, which was a shame because she had become addicted to acid six months earlier. As a result, the fourth kid was born with a foot growing out of his head, and a good day for him is one in which he makes it through its entirety without eating cardboard…

Biggest Surprise: We can’t believe we’re about to say this, but the Detroit Lions are going to the playoffs. The division is still anybody’s to be had, especially with Green Bay losing Aaron Rodgers for an unspecified amount of time. Much has been made of the Packers’ easy schedule over their final eight games, but without Rodgers throwing his hands against his center’s taint before every snap, nothing is going to come easy for the Pack. Meanwhile, the Lions’ remaining schedule is easier than Jennifer Love Hewitt, with only two of their final eight games coming against teams currently sporting a winning percentage. In fact, throw in games against the winless Bucs, one-win Vikings, and two-win Steelers and Giants, and the winning percentage of their remaining opponents is just .338…

NFC SOUTH

Current Standings                     On Pace For                   Vegas Said                  The DUD Said

1. New Orleans Saints 6-2            New Orleans 12-4            Atlanta 10-6                  Atlanta 11-5

2. Carolina Panthers 5-3               Carolina 10-6                    New Orleans 9-7         New Orleans 10-6

3. Atlanta Falcons 2-6                    Atlanta 4-12                      Tampa Bay 7.5-8.5     Tampa Bay 7-9

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-8      Tampa Bay 0-16               Carolina 7-9                 Carolina 6-10

Midseason Analysis: Nobody was talking Super Bowl in any of the three cities that boast an NFL team, but if you had Miami, Jacksonville, and Tampa Bay with a combined record of 4-20 at the halfway point, you’re a fucking liar. Everyone expected the Saints to put some points on the board with Sean Payton back at the helm, and their 27 PPG is good for seventh in the league. But the Carolina Panthers are averaging just 1.5 points less per game, and it’s their point differential of +96 that is tops in the division, not the Saints. The Panthers also boast the NFC’s second-best turnover differential at +8 thanks to a defense that has forced 19 turnovers. Carolina’s defense is giving up just 13.3 points per game, the second-best mark in the NFL. Obviously, either the Saints or Panthers will take the division, and they have yet to play each other…

Biggest Surprise: It’s official: the Atlanta Falcons have fallen faster than Nick Lachey. Picked by many “experts” to win the Super Bowl, the Falcons have instead treated their fans to one big dick sandwich. Atlanta has been pathetic in the red zone this season, scoring a touchdown just 48% of the time they get there. Sure, injuries to Roddy White and Julio Jones have hurt the offense, but even when Jones was on the field, the Falcons were losing home games to teams like the Jets. Atlanta’s defense has given up just as many points as the Broncos’ defense through eight games (218, 25th in NFL), but the difference is that Denver’s offense is blowing up like a high school kid who just discovered steroids, and Atlanta’s offense is more like that retarded kid who has been digging in his ass for the last half hour…

NFC WEST

Current Standings                     On Pace For                   Vegas Said                    The DUD Said

1. Seattle Seahawks 8-1                 Seattle 14-2                         San Francisco 11-5        Seattle 12-4

2. San Francisco 49ers 6-2           San Francisco 12-4           Seattle 10.5-5.5              San Francisco 11-5

3. Arizona Cardinals 4-4               Arizona 8-8                        St. Louis 7.5-8.5             St. Louis 8-8

4. St. Louis Rams 3-6                      St. Louis 5-11                     Arizona 5.5-10.5            Arizona 4-12

Midseason Analysis: Like a salesman whose wife hasn’t fucked him in three months, the Seahawks are taking care of business on the road this year, and that should smell like trouble for the rest of the NFL. If the road to the Super Bowl in the NFC has to go through Seattle, good luck. Two of the Hawks’ three remaining road games are against dog shit teams in Atlanta and New York. The 49ers will no doubt make the postseason, but they basically have to run the table to win the division. That means they will have to take down the Seahawks when they come to town (which we think is a lock to happen, like a “break into your grandma’s house and steal all of her cash and pills, sell the pills to get more cash, and lay it all on the 49ers” kind of lock). But they’ll also have to defeat the Saints in New Orleans next week, and that doesn’t seem as likely this year. The Niners are 6-2 this year despite being dead last in passing yards per game. But they are rushing for a league-best 153 yards per game…

Biggest Surprise: The Arizona Cardinals have as many wins at the halfway point as we had them pegged for all year, two of them coming against 5-3 teams in Carolina and Detroit. Their defense is giving up just 88.3 rushing yards per game, and that is the fourth-best mark in the NFL. They have somehow overcome Carson Palmer’s desire to throw the football to the opposing team, and part of that is thanks to a defense that has forced 19 turnovers. Larry Fitzgerald already has more touchdowns (5) at the halfway point than he had all of last year, and it begs the same question that seems to be asked every year: what would this guy be able to do with a quarterback who isn’t pure dog shit?

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