Sunday’s Worst

nick foles seven touchdowns

by Tommy Gimler

Nick Foles played so well Sunday afternoon that Eagles fans are probably already lining up their girlfriends on his doorstep for a proper plowing. These guys, however, were absolute dog shit.

Worst Team – Oakland Raiders

The Raiders defense allowed Nick Foles (yes, that Nick Foles) to throw an NFL record-tying seven touchdowns in the Black Hole, and the fact that three of them went to racist Riley Cooper has to chap 75 percent of the Oakland population’s asses something fierce…

Worst Quarterback – Jeff Tuel, Buffalo Bills

Believe it or not, the Bills actually could have beaten the undefeated Chiefs if Tuel wouldn’t have played like such a fucking tool. Up 10-3 and at the Chiefs one-yard line early in the third quarter, Tuel threw a bad, and I mean shit your pants at a tit bar bad, pick six that helped propel Kansas City to their ninth straight victory. Speaking of tools, seriously, all he had to do was put up a Tim Tebow stat line, and the Bills would have won today…

Worst Beat – San Diego Chargers (PK) at Washington Redskins

With just 21 seconds remaining, the Great White Hope Danny Woodhead scored what looked like the go-ahead touchdown for the Chargers, but upon further review, his midget arms and the ball both missed the pylon. No problem, right? I mean, first and goal from the Redskins one-yard line? Even the Jacksonville Jaguars could do this. Wrong, bitch. One failed run and two bad passes later, the Chargers settled for a field goal. Seven minutes later, they were losers in overtime and your dog was hiding under the bed because he knows that when daddy gets beat, so does he…

Worst Running Back – Ray Rice, Baltimore Ravens

Hey fantasy dorks. If you haven’t traded Ray Rice from your fake roster yet, good luck getting even a used tampon in return for him now. Rice carried the ball 11 times for just 17 yards on Sunday. He did add three catches for 21 yards, but who gives a shit? That’s pretty much the equivalent to noticing you got a free piece of cheese on your dick sandwich. In the end, it’s still a dick sandwich…

Worst Hail Mary Attempt – Christian Ponder, Minnesota Vikings

Can this ass clown do anything right? Needing to throw the pigskin at least 55 yards to reach the end zone and give his receivers a chance at a tuddy grab, Ponder instead fired a bullet that landed just inside the Cowboys ten-yard line. But it’s not like Cowboys fans should be jerking each other off in Kmart. After all, your team barely won a home game against a team the pig shit Giants beat by double digits two weeks ago…

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