Upset Much?

vanderbilt upset

by Tommy Gimler

Our Indian intern Rakesh is licking his smelly wounds after an 0-for-7 ass pounding betting on college football this weekend. Seven teams ranked in the Top 15 taking a loss didn’t help matters. We’ll dive in to show exactly how the boys in Vegas lit their victory cigars and finger banged your girlfriend all the way to bank.

Central Florida 38, (8) Louisville 35

Louisville head coach Charlie Strong was bitching all week about the lack of respect his team was getting this year, but after losing on its home field to Central Florida Friday night, maybe they were actually getting too much. Louisville’s hopes of an undefeated season, much like a huge chunk of Rakesh’s cash flow, went right down the shitter thanks to 31 second-half points from UCF, who is coached by George O’Leary. Yes, that George O’Leary, the ass clown who lied on his resume twelve years ago to win the Notre Dame head coaching position only to lose it five days later…

Tennessee 23, (11) South Carolina 21

In the battle between two states whose average adult reading levels are that of a six-year-old retard, the Volunteers bested the Gamecocks thanks to a 19-yard field goal as time expired. If anybody in the Tennessee locker room deserved a beej from a booster’s daughter following the game, it’s wide receiver Marquez North. He set up the game-winning kick with an unbelievable one-handed 39-yard catch. If you have watched ten minutes of SportsCenter this morning, then you know what we’re talking about because you’ve seen in thirty times…

Vanderbilt 31, (15) Georgia

Surprise, surprise. Another Mark Richt-coached Georgia team is having a disappointing season. You know you should have won the game when the opposing team’s head coach starts crying like a little bitch at his presser because it’s the first time he has beaten a Top 25 team. To say Georgia’s fourth quarter, one in which they blew a 13-point lead, was disappointing is a bigger understatement than me saying I would like to hold Kate Upton’s hand. I mean, everybody knows that I would eat a can of black olives out of her asshole, and I hate black olives…

(5) Florida State 51, (3) Clemson 14

This game pretty much summed up how pig shit awful ACC football still is. When the game billed at the “biggest ACC game to ever take place” is over at halftime, your conference fucking blows. Florida State’s 51 points are the most ever given up by Clemson in Death Valley, and it marked the Seminoles’ first win there since 2001. If Clemson is still ranked in the Top 10 after this one, it’ll be almost as laughable as giving Taylor Swift multiple Grammy awards…

(13) Stanford 24, (9) UCLA 10

Anybody who got the boys together to watch an exciting battle between two of the country’s best teams was instead treated to a big dick sandwich. The two teams combined for just three points in the first half, and the rest of the game was so fucking boring that we’re done talking about it…

Ole Miss 27, (6) LSU 24

ESPN’s resident draft expert/douche Mel Kiper has recently been touting LSU quarterback Zach Mettenberger as one of the nation’s best. But after throwing three picks against an unranked Ole Miss team, it seems as though Kiper is once again full of shit. Despite scoring zero points in the first half and a defense that gave up 525 yards, LSU damn near pulled off the victory, erasing a 17-point second-half deficit before eventually losing anyway…

(24) Auburn 45, (7) Texas A&M 41

In a game that featured almost as much scoring as an interracial gang bang, the visiting Tigers crushed Johnny Manziel and Texas A&M’s hopes of playing in a bowl game that isn’t completely meaningless by scoring 21 fourth-quarter points. After losing earlier this year to Alabama, Manziel told reporters that A&M’s dream of a national championship wasn’t over yet. Well, now it is. But the good news for Manziel and A&M is that if they switch that dream to a Thrifty-Chili’s-Free CreditReport.com Bowl championship, that dream is very much alive…

What do you think? Leave a comment or subscribe to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Image Description