The Thugs In Vegas Say The Broncos Will Beat The Pig Shit Jaguars By 28 Points


by Tommy Gimler

Already last week, rumors began swirling that the thugs in Vegas were going to release a point spread for the Broncos-Jaguars game that would be bigger than Melissa McCarthy. Those rumors proved true today, as the Las Vegas Hotel and Casino made it the largest point spread in NFL history, projecting Denver will administer a 28-point ass pounding.

The previous largest spread surprisingly didn’t come courtesy of Carnie Wilson in Playboy in 2003 but instead almost 37 years ago when the Steelers were favored by 26 against the dog shit Buccaneers. Pittsburgh would go on to curb stomp Tampa Bay to the tune of 42-0 in a year where the Bucs would fail to win a single game.

2013’s version of the ’76 Bucs is the Jacksonville Jaguars. Only this year’s Buccaneers have a more limp-dick offense than the Jags, but that is only because they had a bye this past weekend. And only the Giants are giving up more points per game on defense. It all adds up to an 0-5 record and league-worst -112 point differential.

Meanwhile, the 5-0 Denver Broncos have scored the most points (230) through the first five weeks in NFL history. According to, they’re on pace to score more points (736) than the 2007 Patriots (589), tally more touchdowns (93) than those same Patriots (75), and rack up more yards (7,837) than the 2011 Saints (7,474). Peyton Manning alone is on pace to become God.

But in today’s NFL, can one team really be expected to castrate another by four touchdowns? After all, according to ESPN, the New England Patriots were at least 20-point favorites three times during their historical run of 2007, and the dogs covered all three times.

However, when one of those teams is as pig shit miserable as the Jacksonville Jaguars, we say throw Little Jimmy’s entire community college fund on Denver.

For starters, Denver scored just as many points last week (51) as Jacksonville has totaled the entire season. Throw in the fact that Jacksonville has already been a 19-point underdog to Seattle this year, and the turds went on to lose that one by 28. They have also lost by 26 to Kansas City and 34 to Indianapolis. And the best part is that most sites are already offering lines as low as 26.5, making the cover even that much more possible.

It’s going to be a battle between David and Goliath when Jacksonville travels to Denver this Sunday. Except in this case, David better find a cave where he can just curl up into the fetal position and pray nothing finds its way into his ass. That’s because Goliath is the 5-0 Denver Broncos, led by Peyton Manning, a man on a mission to compile the greatest season ever by a quarterback. And David is the 0-5 Jacksonville Jaguars, and they’re, well, they’re just fucking terrible.

In fact, we predict it will look something like this, only Jacksonville probably won’t get in as many shots as the skinny prick…

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