Sunday’s Worst

matt schaub

by Tommy Gimler

It has been quite the crazy night in the NFL with the Raiders playing until almost three in the morning on the East Coast. And naturally, because they’re the Raiders and we’re doing our weekly post on the worst Sunday had to offer, we had to wait until that bitch went final…

Worst Game – Arizona Cardinals 22, Carolina Panthers 6

The Carolina Panthers came into their Week 5 matchup with the Arizona Cardinals allowing just twelve points per game to opponents, and given how Taylor Swift-awful their secondary is, that stat is amazing.  Arizona was averaging about 17 points per game, and that is just dog shit. Watching these two teams go head-to-head sounded like it would be almost as much fun as putting your cock up on a workbench and whaling away on that thing with a hammer. Carson Palmer and Cam Newton threw a combined six interceptions, and the first touchdown didn’t come until the 5:48 mark of the third quarter. If you chose to watch this game instead of the Broncos-Cowboys shootout, well, shame on you, you fucking idiot…

Worst Quarterback – Matt Schaub

Texans fans were already burning his jersey after last week’s choke job, and what did Matt Schaub have up his sleeve for an encore? Eh, how about being on the wrong side of a 34-3 curb stomping in which he threw for 173 yards, 0 touchdowns, and 3 more picks, one of which was returned for a 49ers touchdown? In doing so, Schaub became the first quarterback in NFL history to throw a pick-six in four consecutive games. Simply put, when the answer to a trivia question sounds like it should be Mark Sanchez but instead it’s you, you fucking blow…

Worst Coach – Gary Kubiak

Even my retarded cousin Peter would have benched Schaub after his second pick of the evening, and Peter spends most of his days chasing butterflies in the backyard and shitting his pants…

Worst Fantasy Running Back – Ryan Mathews

ESPN’s resident fantasy dork Eric Karabell had Mathews as the 22nd best option at running back heading into Sunday’s games, so it’s safe to say his fake owners couldn’t have been expecting too much from the Chargers running back. But they sure as shit were hoping for more than just three carries for eight yards before leaving the field because of an injury. And there you have it. Another year, another Ryan Mathews injury. It’s still too early to tell how serious the injury is, though. We’re still unsure if Mathews couldn’t return because of a head injury or if he just had too much sand in his vagina…

Worst Statement Of The Day By A Radio Announcer That Came Out Quite Racist – Ron Wolfley, Arizona Cardinals

With the Cardinals clinging to a 12-6 early in the fourth quarter, Wolfley and his play-by-play announcer were discussing what the Panthers would do on 3rd and 3 at the Arizona 11. Wolfey then told his partner not to forget about the “bowling ball with lips” known as Mike Tolbert. And oh yes, friends. Mike Tolbert is African-American. Our intern is still trying to get a statement from Riley Cooper in regards to his thoughts on the matter, but we’re sure that he’s very pleased with what he’s hearing these days down in Phoenix…

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One Response to Sunday’s Worst

  1. Pete says:

    Why does your fictitious retarded cousin have to be named Peter? Huh? really? Come on man!

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