The Worst Of Week 2
by Tommy Gimler
It’s halftime of Monday Night Football game, and surprisingly, the Steelers don’t look like absolute dog shit. The same can’t be said about the rest of the clowns that made our “Worst of Week 2″ list.
The Worst Team
We mentioned a couple of times last week that the Jaguars were a different team with Chad Henne under center. In our defense, we were hammered. The Jaguars are so pathetic that Orlando’s CBS affiliate WKMG-TV issued an apology to its viewers for being forced to air their game against the Raiders yesterday. To put that in perspective, nobody has ever issued an apology for airing a Taylor Swift live performance, and before yesterday, we didn’t think it got any worse than that.
The Jags didn’t find the end zone until the 2:53 mark of the fourth quarter, the first time they have done so all year. Sure, it’s only been two weeks, but the Jaguars already rank dead last among teams that have played both of their games in total offense and total points and next-to-last in total first downs.
Maybe Jadeveon Clowney can play quarterback, too…
The Worst Quarterback
There are plenty of candidates to choose from here, as Christian Ponder, Geno Smith, Brandon Weeden, and Josh Freeman have all been pure pig shit this year. But Eli Manning is on pace to throw 56 interceptions after completing seven passes to opposing defenses in his first two games.
It doesn’t help that the Giants rushing “attack” is about as powerful than an AIDS patient’s immune system, but Manning has been almost as careless with the football as Carmen Electra has been with her hump hole. And this is nothing new for the younger, uglier Manning. Since entering the league in 2004, nobody has thrown more picks than Manning (151). Even since Mark Sanchez entered the league in 2009, nobody has thrown more picks than Manning (77). And even since Geno Smith entered the league this year, nobody has thrown more interceptions than Manning (7)…
The Worst Coach
Greg Schiano is the NFL’s Bill Lumbergh. Tampa Bay’s head coach just looks like an asshole, and that is probably the best way to describe how he is handling his team as well. Schiano’s Buccaneers lead the NFL in penalties after two weeks with 26, his quarterback hates him, and his team is 0-2. Losing at home in the final seconds to the Saints is nothing to be ashamed of, but a last second loss to the New York Jets sure as shit it. Only the Titans and Jaguars have a more pathetic offensive attack through two weeks, but at least those two teams enjoy going to work…
The Worst Beat
Football is just like tits. The more money you put into them, the better they are. But every now and then, you sink a bunch of money into them, but then you wake up one day to a note that reads, “Go fuck yourself,” and you’re left asking yourself what in the hell just happened? A real dick sandwich, you know?
Well, that’s what happened to those poor bastards who dropped some coin on Cam Newton’s Carolina Panthers yesterday. The Panthers entered the game as 3.5 point favorites, and after fantasy turd Graham Gano kicked a 39-yard field goal to give Carolina a six-point advantage with just 1:38 left in the game, it was time to light up the stogie and throw one in the hooker’s two-hole. After all, it wasn’t like rookie quarterback E.J. Manuel was going to be able to march the fucking Bills eighty yards down the field for a game-winning touchdown, right?