DUD NFL Preview: Predicting The NFC South While Watching German Porn In Munich

falcons

by Tommy Gimler

As our two-week European vacation draws near its end, I guess I’ll take a break from watching German porn with my wife in Munich to take a peak at what’s going to happen in the NFC South this year.

1. Atlanta Falcons

Oh yah, oh yah. Das ist sehr gut. I swear to Christ, you almost have to watch German porn with it muted. With the volume up, you lose any chance of maintaining an erection, no matter how far they zoom in on the German broad’s nipples. And when they show the Kraut that’s drilling her, forget about it. You’ll have a better chance at getting hard switching over to the German feed of Al Jazeera.

Or you can take a quick look at the Atlanta Falcons 2013 offense, and that should make it move a little bit. Matt Ryan might have the worst nickname in the NFL, but with Roddy White, Julio Jones, and Tony Gonzalez to fire that fucking pigskin to, he’ll be another top 10 NFL QB this year. Hell, with receiving targets like that, Stephen Hawking could throw 30-plus touchdowns each year.

The defensive side of the ball, however, is a little more harrier than this German guy’s asshole. Es ist so schlecht. Osi Umenyiora will provide a nice boost to the Falcons pass rush that finished 28th a season ago with just 29 sacks. But rookie Desmond Trufant will start at corner opposite of Asante Samuel, and that does absolutely nothing for us. The guy to watch is linebacker Sean Weatherspoon. He has the potential to be one of the better linebackers in all of football, maybe, just maybe, good enough to be added to the plow-my-sister list.

The Falcons 2013 schedule could wind up being harder than I am now that we’ve moved onto some German girl-on-girl action. With games against New England, Green Bay, Seattle, and San Francisco along with the three road games against their NFC South rivals, another 13-win season is out of the question. But that offense is good enough to win at least ten games, especially when you throw in the cupcakes against the Jets, Rams, Cardinals, and Bills…

Key Addition: With the addition of Steven Jackson to the Falcons backfield, the Falcons finally have an every down back who can also be a receiving threat (he caught 90 balls in 2006 with the Rams). He’ll be the difference that keeps defenses guessing, and as a result, Atlanta should have the most complete offense in the NFC…

2012 record: 13-3 (1st)

2013 predictions

Vegas: 10 wins (1st) – OVER (+110) / UNDER (-140)

The DUD: 11-5 (1st)

Pete Prisco (CBS Sports): 12-4 (1st, lose in Super Bowl)

Bleacher Report: 12-4 (1st)

Will Brinson (CBS Sports): UNDER 10 wins (2nd)

2. New Orleans Saints

With the return of head coach Sean Payton, the NFC South could be crazier this year than the fact that this German fuck flick just featured a scene that, I shit you not, went from borderline rape fading into the guy and girl making love in a bubble bath.

With Drew Brees, Marques Colston, Jimmy Graham, and Darren Sproles on the offensive side of the ball, the Saints will once again have no problems lighting up the scoreboard. Shit, Brees and the system are both so good that clowns like Lance Moore are actually decent fantasy football plays.

Proximo (a.k.a. Rob Ryan) brings his 3-4 defense to town this year, and it will definitely be better than last year’s unit that can only be described as a fucking disaster. But it remains to be seen if this Saints defense will still play with the same intensity from a few years ago now that they’re not getting paid extra to do so.

It still amazes us that Mercedes-Benz put their name on such a shithole like the Superdome, but the fact remains that Saints fans make that dump one of the toughest places to play in the NFL. We see at least six home wins for New Orleans, meaning that they’ll need to finish 4-4 or 3-5 on the road to return to the postseason, and with two of those games going down at the Jets and Rams, we like their chances…

Key Addition: If Will Brinson at CBS Sports likes the additions of Keenan Lewis, Victor Butler and Kenny Vaccarro so much that instead of referring to them as just great moves, he calls them “great, great moves,” we’ll take his word for it…

2012 record: 7-9 (t-2nd and/or last)

2013 predictions

Vegas: 9 wins (2nd) – OVER (-145) / UNDER (+115)

The DUD: 10-6 (2nd)

Pete Prisco (CBS Sports): 11-5 (2nd)

Bleacher Report: 8-8 (3rd)

Will Brinson (CBS Sports): OVER 9 wins (1st)

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Watching Josh Freeman play the quarterback position is a lot like dating a bipolar broad. Or hell, it’s a lot like watching this German smut. It’s good, then it blows, then it really sucks, there’s a close up of a hairy bush, and then it’s awesome again.

The emergence of Doug Martin last year took a huge load (not sure if it’s bigger than the one this Nazi just dropped inside of this hooker) off Freeman’s back, and with targets like Vincent Jackson and Mike Williams on the outside, Freeman was able to show flashes of brilliance (262 yards, 3 TDs, 0 INTs against Minnesota). But there was also the turd he threw on Bucs fans in Week 15 against the Saints (279 yards, 0 TDs, 4 INTs).

You can expect more of the same from the Tampa Bay offense, unless a healthy Carl Nicks returns to the offensive line and really opens things up for Martin. If that happens, then it could be trouble for the rest of the NFC South…

Key Addition: Speaking of bipolar, Tampa Bay’s defense gave up the fewest rushing yards per games last season. But they also yielded 297 passing yards per game a year ago, and that was the worst mark in all of football. If you don’t think adding Darrelle Revis to the defensive backfield this offseason is going to make a difference, then you’re about as lame as this German dialect in between these Kraut-on-Kraut fuck seshes…

2012 record: 7-9 (t-2nd and/or last)

2013 predictions

Vegas: 7.5 wins (3rd) – OVER (-140) / UNDER (+110)

The DUD: 7-9 (3rd)

Pete Prisco (CBS Sports): 6-10 (4th)

Bleacher Report: 10-6 (2nd)

Will Brinson (CBS Sports): OVER 7.5 wins (3rd)

4. Carolina Panthers

The only thing remaining between finishing this post and me jumping in bed with my wife to finish up this German sex flick is Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers.

The Panthers made it official last week: The Jimmy Clausen era in Carolina is over.

Just like Clausen, that was obviously a joke. We’ll be the first to admit that we were wrong about Cam Newton. While there are parts of his passing game that have yet to mature, the fact is that he wins football games. In just his second year, Newton’s passing numbers were middle of the road, but his legs helped lead the Panthers to seven wins and a top-ten rushing attack. And if Brandon LaFell can turn into a decent number-two receiver, Newton’s passing numbers will be able to catch up.

Newton will be able to keep his team in most of the Panthers’ games this year, but it’s their defense that has us more concerned than two Americans asked to share a train car with four Muslims. Odds are you haven’t heard of Drayton Florence, Mike Mitchell, Charles Godfrey, and Captain Munnerlyn. We haven’t either, and those four guys make up Carolina’s starting defensive backfield.

That smells like trouble, Jimmy, and so does the Panthers’ schedule. The only cupcake over the final ten weeks of season is a home game against the pig shit Jets…

Key Addition: The Panthers drafted two defensive tackles in the first two round of this year’s draft. Star Lotulelei and Kawann Short sound like two guys who have never been to Wisconsin, and the Panthers are banking on big things from them in the future. Unfortunately for Panthers fans, the future isn’t right now…

2012 record: 7-9 (t-2nd and/or last)

2013 predictions

Vegas: 7 wins (4th) – OVER (-160) / UNDER (+130)

The DUD: 6-10 (4th)

Pete Prisco (CBS Sports): 8-8 (3rd)

Bleacher Report: 7-9 (4th)

Will Brinson (CBS Sports): OVER 7 wins (4th)

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