by Tommy Gimler
In what is becoming almost as big of a trend as an East Coast frat party gang rape, a team with a chance to play in a Super Bowl in front of their hometown fans is making like a young porn starlet staring down a BBC and blowing it. And with this year’s big game taking place at MetLife Stadium, not one but two dog shit squads are making sure the NFL doesn’t run into the nightmare scenario they haven’t had to face since 1985: an NFL team playing the Super Bowl in their own city.
Even if you caught just ten minutes of SportsCenter this week, you now know that Peyton Manning is a god, somewhere Tim Tebow dropped a deuce, and the New York Giants are a bigger joke than After Earth.
With losses on road to Dallas and at home to Denver, the Giants beginning the 2013 season at 0-2 wasn’t that much of a surprise. But after putting up zero points against what is probably the worst secondary in professional football last Sunday in Carolina, it’s obvious that this team has more issues than Amanda Bynes. With a rushing attack less potent than Abe Vigoda’s limp dick and a quarterback who turns the ball over like he plays for the Jets, the New York Giants, even though they have five games remaining against NFC East rivals, have no shot at a 2013 postseason run. And speaking of the Jets, they’re the New York Jets, so they have no shot.
That means it’ll be another year and another two teams not from the host city that will play for the right to hoist the Lombardi Trophy in front of millions of drunk and bloated American television viewers. It also means the big dick players in the league office have lucked out again, not having to sell the idea that by no way is a team playing in a stadium where they have already played at least eight games this year in front of their home fans an advantage in the biggest sporting event in America.
But is it just luck? Is it just a mere coincidence that since 2002, the host city’s team hasn’t made the playoffs or that year after year their teams in the host city are going through some kind of turmoil, suspension, star quarterback season-ending injury, or are called the Jacksonville Jaguars? Let the conspiracy theories begin…
2012 New Orleans Saints
Last year, Sean Payton became the first ever head coach ever to be suspended for an entire season after his defensive coordinator issued bounties on opposing teams’ quarterbacks and star players beginning in 2009. And supposedly Roger Goodell knew this was going on since then, but he originally just asked Saints owner Tom Benson to take care of it. Not really the way you would expect the guy who was attempting to portray himself as the leader of player safety to handle the matter.
But making the leap from asking the owner to take care of the problem to suspending the head coach for an entire year and waiting to do it until the year New Orleans hosts the Super Bowl when you could have levied the same fine in 2010 or 2011 seems a bit excessive and ill-timed, especially considering how many players and coaches have said that it happens not just in New Orleans but throughout the NFL. And to date, no other player or coach from another team has yet to be punished for it.
And it wasn’t just Payton who was forced to miss time. Other Saints coaches and players would serve suspensions last year as well. According to his game log on ESPN.com, star linebacker Jonathan Vilma didn’t play his first game until October 21st. Without him, the Saints were 1-4. After Vilma returned, New Orleans finished 6-5, but by then, it was already too late.
Sean Payton is now the NFL’s highest paid coach, making over $8 million a year through 2017 in a deal that was approved by the league office. Not bad for a guy who the league thought was so detrimental to the safety of its players that he was forced to miss an entire season…
2011 Indianpolis Colts
Heading into the 2011 season, Peyton Manning had taken the Colts to nine consecutive postseasons and started 227 consecutive games. With the Super Bowl set to be played at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, it was a good bet that Peyton and company would be able to make a serious run at making it a home game.
But in March of 2011, Indianapolis announced their star quarterback would undergo neck surgery to repair a “condition.” According to the website Ad-in, the statement read, “This condition has existed intermittently for the past four years, but at no time did it interfere with his training, practice or playing regimen. While it never has affected Peyton’s activity on or off the field, the Colts’ medical staff, after post-playoff examination, thought it best to resolve the situation now.”
Hmmm. Even though it didn’t interfere with his playing performance, now, the year the Colts could potentially play for a Super Bowl title on their home field where they and Manning were a combined 25-7 in the regular season the previous four years, is the right time to get this done? Right…
The 2011 Colts were almost as brutal as listening to a live performance from Taylor Swift, finishing with a 2-14 record and earning the first overall pick of the 2012 NFL Draft. Andrew Luck would be such a difference maker, especially playing a last-place schedule, and the Colts would return to the postseason the following year. Peyton Manning is now in year two of a five-year, $96 million deal with the Denver Broncos…
2010 Dallas Cowboys
The 2010 Cowboys started the season 1-7, Wade Phillips became the first head coach in team history to be fired midseason because of it, and they would finish the year with a 6-10 record, obviously failing to make the postseason.
Is there a conspiracy here or was it another case of the Dallas Cowboys being a pig shit team?
According to Bleacher Report, it could have been a case of offensive coordinator Jason Garrett sabotaging Wade Phillips to get the Cowboys head coaching job. While they do admit there is no evidence that Garrett did anything to put Phillips’ job at risk, they do stir up enough of a debate to make it seem plausible. Check out the entire post here:
Why would the NFL do this?
Just like anything in life, it comes down to tits or money. And after the Janet Jackson halftime show in 2004, the NFL made it very clear they’re not about tits. So, think about it. Who likes the Indianapolis Colts who isn’t from Indianapolis? Nobody. If the Colts make it to the Super Bowl in 2011, fewer hotels in the Indianapolis area are needed. Fewer people are flying into the airport. Locals aren’t going to need to go out to eat, so fewer people are going to the local Chili’s. Rental car companies, strip clubs, 7-Eleven, Piggly Wiggly. They all lose a shit ton of cash money if one of the team’s fans aren’t forced to travel to see them win it all.
Or, it’s all just an amazing coincidence. Every year…