by Tommy Gimler
Two names are dominating the sports world today, and thank the fuck Christ that neither of them is Tim Tebow.
In College Station, Texas A&M football head coach Kevin Sumlin opened practice today answering questions about his Heisman quarterback Johnny Manziel, whose Amanda Bynes-esque offseason took another turn for the worse as allegations surfaced this weekend that he accepted cash in exchange for signing memorabilia.
In Chicago, the New York Yankees open a three-game set tonight with the pig shit-awful White Sox with Alex Rodriguez expected to make his debut at third base even though Major League Baseball suspended him through the 2014 season a few hours ago.
With both “men” consistently putting themselves before their teams and then using the retards who make up the mainstream sports media to portray themselves as a victim rather than the pile of pig shit they really are, we decided to take a closer look to determine which one of these clowns is currently the biggest asshole in sports.
Manziel is your stereotypical rich prick whose grandfather hit it big in the oil business, so big that according to an ESPN.com article, it still funds the Manziel family today. His father Paul bought him a Mercedes in high school for staying away from booze. My father would have paddled my ass in front of my classmates if I would have touched booze in high school, and that alone was enough to sway me from drinking Keystone Light.
But a brand new Mercedes-Benz wasn’t enough to keep Manziel off the sauce, and after getting busted by a Walmart security guard, he was hauled off to jail and sentenced to community service. Yup, the kid who took down the Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa last year was busted by a Walmart security guard.
After a bar fight in June of 2012, Manziel was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, failure to identify himself to an officer, and possession of a fake driver’s license. He would plead guilty for failing to identify himself and was ordered to pay a $2,000 fine.
In March of 2013, Manziel shoved a graduate assistant after throwing three picks in a spring practice. This was followed by numerous pictures from spring break in Cabo showing Manziel in complete party mode. In June, Johnny Football sent a tweet at 1:38am, saying he couldn’t wait to leave College Station. He would later say he was just frustrated after receiving a parking ticket.
In July, Manziel was asked to leave the Manning Passing Academy after missing some practice assignments and showing up late to others. Rumors swirled that he was drinking/partying and overslept through meetings and practices as a result. He was also thrown out of a frat party at the University of Texas.
Finally, an ESPN.com report yesterday accused Manziel of accepting a “five-figure flat fee” in exchange for autographed memorabilia, which, just like plowing the prom queen the night before her 18th birthday, is against the rules…
Where do we start with this fucking guy?
Let’s pick it up with the 2007 interview with Katie Couric when Rodriguez was flat out asked whether or not he had ever taken steroids, HGH, or any other PED, and he said no, throwing in the fact that he had never felt overmatched on the baseball diamond. Then in 2009, he pretty much told Peter Gammons, but only after a Sports Illustrated report revealed he had failed a drug test in 2003, that he felt overmatched on the baseball diamond and used steroids for three seasons in Texas.
In 2008, Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia split after allegations of A-Rod sleeping with everybody from Madonna to Canadian strippers. Then, in true Alex Rodriguez fashion, he fought to have the cheating charges removed from his divorce even though cameras captured him leaving his hotel room with a Toronto
On the field, there was the glove slap in the 2004 ALCS that solidified his status as MLB’s diva. In 2007, Rodriguez yelled at Blue Jays third baseman Howie Clark while Clark tried to make a play on a pop up. Clark thought it was his teammate calling him off, the ball fell to the ground, and the Yankees won the game.
Today, Major League Baseball suspended Rodriguez for 211 games, the longest non-gambling suspension in the history of the game, for his role in the Biogenesis scandal, including frequent PED use since 2009 (the same year he gave the Gammons interview) and obstructing MLB’s investigation.
Alex Rodriguez is a bigger asshole than Johnny Manziel.
Manziel might be an asshole, but he’s a twenty-year-old college student whose Heisman-winning caliber of play on the football field has thrust him into a limelight that even most 40-year-old adults (eh hem, Rodriguez) couldn’t handle in this social media-driven world we live in today.
If we were to take a survey of guys who went to college twenty years ago, odds are at least three out of every four would be thankful that Twitter and Facebook didn’t exist in the nineties. Hell, email was finally becoming relevant my freshman year of college, and because I was an 18-year-old asshole, I thought it would be funny to leave an “out of office” reply that read something like this:
Thanks for sending me a fucking piece of electronic mail. Maybe I’ll get back to you sometime later today, but probably not since I’ll be getting super fucking wasted at a house party. If you’re my friend, I’ll see you there. If not, go fuck yourself.
You know who didn’t think that was funny? The chancellor’s assistant.
Most high school and college students, rich or poor, have had their share of booze before the age of 21. At least when Manziel was living it up on spring break, he went to a country where he could legally have a beer. My friends and I all did it illegally here in the States (well, except my brother-in-law who graduated high school with us but a year later after he should have), taking tons of pictures the old fashioned way with actual film that would have found their way online somehow if there would have been the proper avenue.
And usually when you have a group of underage students drinking insane amounts of alcohol, you’re going to have a bar fight or two. Hell, at least Manziel’s fight was with another group of dudes. The fight I was part of in college was with a broad. Imagine a picture of that getting thrown up on Facebook in today’s world and then getting asked about it by Chris Fowler on SEC Media Day.
But this country gauges their assholes not by their actions but instead on how they handle themselves in the aftermath while the cameras are rolling. And when Manziel was given that opportunity, he handled it fairly well. While I’m sure telling reporters that he “is still gonna do things that everybody in college does” isn’t what his parents and coaches would have liked to hear, at least it was the truth.
With that being said, that statement along with the most recent allegations of getting cash money for his autograph even though he doesn’t need the money are both part of a disturbing lack of respect for authority, consequences, his family, and his teammates. His off-the field actions have benefited nobody but himself and his wallet over the past year, but that pretty much sums up what Alex Rodriguez has done for the last twenty…