Sunday Night Mailbag

Published by tgim on August 11th, 2013

by Tommy Gimler

Our Sunday night mailbag is quite the diverse sack of comments and questions, ranging from electronic bracelets, a baseball legend, Johnny Football, and ugh, Tim Tebow…

Q: Did you see how Texas A&M is ranked sixth in the preseason poll? Such bull shit, bro. Johnny Manziel is a fumble, botched play, and stats-filled cush schedule stroke away from being nothing. That little turd better start working out with the soccer club because any chance he has of taking his game to the next level might just be as a kicker. To his credit, I’m glad he’s lived it up the last few months because it’s about to be done for the lil’ midget.

Tim in Sausalito, CA

The DUD: We’re going to assume you were listening to a Papa Roach album when you wrote this. For what it’s worth, we like Johnny Manziel more than Christopher Dorner.

Our prediction is that Johnny Football isn’t suspended until after the Alabama game on September 14th. After they lose, the hypocrisy known as the NCAA suspends him for the rest of the season, he gets kicked out of a UTEP frat house party the following week, impregnates three broads, his daddy pays for all three abortions, and he winds up on a reality show with Maurice Clarett called Get Your Goose On, where by doing the same things that other 20-year-old college students do, they become fucking nobodies…

Q: Am I the only one who is wondering what the hell those bracelets are on Yasiel Puig’s wrists?

John in Los Angeles, CA

The DUD: Whoa, wait. You’re from Los Angeles, and you’re named John and not Juan?

The bracelets worn by Yasiel Puig are also worn by athletes like Clay Matthews and Matt Kemp, and they are called Power Balance bracelets. According to Ask.com, Power Balance bracelets have holograms which help maximize your body’s natural energy. These bracelets have been said to help improve speed, balance, and endurance, and they seem to work for everybody who wears them. Well, everybody except Matt Kemp…

Q: What’s the deal with Mariano Rivera?

Kyle in Albany, NY

The DUD: What do you mean, what’s the deal? Just like my cock, Rivera has gone through temporary dry spells for the Yankees every year since, like, 1964. We’ll bet he doesn’t blow another save the rest of the year. You should be more concerned with Yankees fans cheering Alex Rodriguez after hitting a home run and then listening to that sack of fuck thanking God instead of Victor Conte in his post game interviews…

Q: Please tell me you guys saw Tim Tebow play for the Patriots the other night in their preseason game against the Eagles.

Walt in Pittsburgh, PA

The DUD: Hell yes, we saw it, and praise the lord Jesus Christ. He looked almost as worthless on that football field as a hooker at Comic Con…

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3 Responses

  1. Tonto says:

    You don’t think that a hooker would be worthwhile (or in any way unpopular) at ComicCon?


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