Just Like Tara Reid’s Tits, The Minnesota Twins’ Minor League Affiliate’s Failed Marriage Proposal Is Fake

Published by tgim on August 7th, 2013

by Tommy Gimler

If you think Fox News is a sham, wait until you see this.

The New Britain Rock Cats released a statement today, admitting the failed marriage proposal video taken at a recent home game that quickly became an internet sensation was indeed a hoax.

The Twins’ Double-A affiliate acknowledged that two employees pretended to be a couple answering trivia questions on the field when this happened:

Like a maggot on a steak at Golden Corral, let’s break this down…

The DUD Breakdown

1) Before the video even starts, you can tell it’s a phony. No white girl living within a two-hour radius of New York City would even think about bringing a guy whose distant relatives may have had a hand in 9/11 home to daddy…

2) At the :08 mark, David forgets to drop down to one knee before he asks the question and has to be reminded by the announcer to do so. Look, the next time you ask an employee to stage a marriage proposal, maybe you should choose a guy who knows how the average American proposal usually plays out instead of one who usually has his father making a deal that results in the enslaving of some other father’s 12-year-old daughter…

3) At the :18 mark, the announcer says that she looks excited, and he’s right. She looks about as excited as a young porn starlet who has just learned that her first scene is a double-vag, double anal diddy with four black guys…

4) At the :22 mark, the announcer tells Jessica that everybody wants to know her answer, but we disagree, as we already can tell how this is going to play out. Instead, we’re dying to know what is up with her tits. I mean, those things look almost as awkward as Steve Buscemi’s teeth…

5) At the :30 mark, if you don’t know by now that this proposal is about as fake as Joan Rivers’ face, the fact that every person involved, including the announcer, is laughing at this poor bastard getting shot down should do it. Maybe next week they’ll be able to keep it together when an eight-year-old local kid dying of cancer throws out the first pitch, and it’s just a bit outside…

6) And at the :46 mark, it’s good to see that security at the ball park is about as tight as a porn star’s asshole these days, as David, who is supposed to be a fan, high tails it into the dugout without any security personnel taking chase…

What did the team hope to accomplish by creating a viral video of a dude getting shot down after he proposes to his weird-tittied girlfriend? Our guess is that for once people would be talking about something else other than how pig shit awful the product on the field is, as the Rock Cats currently find themselves 17 games out of first place…

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One Response

  1. tgrim says:

    I heard that next week Jessica will have a fake abortion, and David questions if his life is worth living.


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